The Never Ending Delima of Motherhood...

As Mother's there are always things we face with our Children that are Never Ending it seems. Around our house its laundry, dishes, cleaning the toy room, and cooking meals. Trenten often asks, "Didn't we just do dat momma'?" Yes we did, and as we Mother's have all come to learn... we'll do it again, and again, and again. The responsibilities that come with Motherhood are endless, you don't get to do them once and be done. It's a day after day task, and is not meant for weak.
I have had the joy of reading a book, "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. I'm still not completely finished, but boy has this book stirred the pot around our house! I'm surprised Adam has not taken it and hidden it from me, but I will not regret the realizations this book has made me come to. Yet, its dealing with those realizations that makes it hard.
My greatest ambition from the time I was 5 years old, was to me a mother. I'm talking the all out minivan soccer mom profile! My mother was a stay at home mom through the majority of my raising. Both my parents strived for me to go to College, get married only if I must.. they did not want me to follow in my mother's footsteps of Graduating High School, getting married, and start shooting out one baby after another. Yet, in the end the way I did it wasn't much different.
The greatest dilemma that I face as a mother, is the strong desire and calling within my heart that I have felt before Trenten ever arrived in this world to stay home with my children, to make my home my primary responsibility, and to teach my children myself. I constantly feel guilty because I would literally need a 48 hour day to complete everything I have to do right now. At the end of the day I feel like my boss's at work are happy for a job well done, my professor's are happy, I'm able to make all A's in a full load of college classes, the church is happy because there's someone to ride the bus, help in the kids department, and sing every once in a while. Yet the people who suffer the lack of my time, and would probably give me a bad grade if we were on a grading system would be my Husband and mostly my precious 2 little boys.
The guilt of that is hard to swallow. When your children scream and cry every morning because you leave them behind to go to a job, and teach other children who can't even behave in a classroom by themselves... you start to wonder what am I doing? Why am I putting them through this? Let's see, I bring home around $10,000 a year, to bounce my children to a different family members house every day in the wee hours of the morning because I can't even afford daycare... does this make sense to anyone else?
Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I love the people I work with. The reasoning behind taking the job to begin with was that it is in the teaching field, and that's what I'm going to school for. It's just when you feel like your children are the ones sacrificing everything because there are not enough hours in a day, where will there ever be peace in that? When and where does that Dilemma end? When they're grown and gone and I'm left hoping the one day a week that I was able to spend any time with them was enough?
The way my schedule is now M-F I'm gone by 6:15am. On Monday's and Wed. I have night classes at TVCC in Athens. On Wed. I have tutoring before class at 4pm all the way until class starts. I get home from that class around 10pm, and I have not seen my children at all. Monday are not much better, I come home from work, cook dinner, and then leave for my class. They are usually in bed by the time I get home that night also. Tuesday's I have assignments due in my Internet class, which usually take a couple hours to complete and turn in. So even though I'm here, they do not get any of my attention really. Thursday's thru Saturday's Adam works. So I get off work, go pick the kids up, come home cook dinner, bath time, and I usually have homework to work on also. So my children maybe get thirty minutes of me before they go to bed.
I am certain that there are other mother's who feel my pain. Who struggle with the same. I am just consumed with guilt right now that my children are paying a heavy price for my decisions. Please do not feel if you are a full time working mother, that I am knocking you right now for being just that. I am just saying, that I can't find the balance in it anymore. I don't want to wake up one day when my kids are teenagers or out of the house, and have nothing but regret because I didn't make an impact on their lives everyone else around them did!
The icing on the cake for what I need to do came this week when I took both boys for the yearly check ups and vaccinations. The Pediatrician went over several things with Trenten and said, "You know his fine motor skills are really lacking. If your not going to work with him on these areas, than maybe you need to put him in daycare.. because they will." Not what I needed that day!
I made the decision this week to no longer argue with Adam over what to do. I have decided to just take it to God in Prayer. As of right now, we have 2 plans I am praying for A! Adam knows that I am blogging about this, and he asked if who ever reads this would give some feedback. So Please, tell us what you think.

Plan A
Adam is going to apply for different jobs and try to have a higher paying one by August. If so, I will be able to stay at home with the boys, and continue working on finishing my degree which will still take 2 more years at A&M Navarro.

Plan B
Adam doesn't get a different job, or any other supplemental income and I return to my job in August. Trenten will start Pre-K at school where I work, and Jonah will have to go to daycare.

A Gift From God...

Julie and Tammy Last Spring on one of her visits to Malakoff


This weekend I spent some time in Houston with my Best Friend Tammy and her sweet family. Sadly in all the hustle and bustle of the weekend no pictures were taken, so this old photo above will have to do for now. During our visit together, I was reminded how precious the gift of a true friend is. It is such a gift from God to be allowed a friendship like Tammy and I have. As each day passes, I am forever becoming more and more grateful to the God in which we Love and Serve for allowing me Tammy.
It was the Summer of 2000, I was working at J.C. Penney's at the Deerbrook mall and taking classes at the local Community College in Kingwood. What I was really doing was enjoying my freedoms for the first time in my life from the firm grasp of Jim Crye, and literally having the time of my life. I wasn't wild per say, but I was having fun and on the road that could have led there. Summer had began, and with that came the pool of young new hires at J.C. Penney's. Tammy Hatley was one of them.
The first day I saw her, she was completing her training on computer modules and I passed her coming out of the break room. She had the hugest smile on her face, that made you have to smile back. She even said Hi as we passed, even though she didn't know me.. instead of it being weird though it brightened my day. It left me thinking, I wish I was more like that girl! That was just in passing.
A few days later, we were assigned to the Purse Department together. Needless to say, Purse sells were up that week! Tammy and I were like a dynamic duo. We made customers laugh, and buy more stuff. It was good times. Then, we started hanging out on our time off together, and were basically joined at the hip through out that summer. Tammy was the good influence on me. When I'd tell her things I was doing that I knew better than to be doing, she was the friend that had no problem telling me you shouldn't be doing that. She was the Friend that encouraged me when I made good decisions, instead of rebellious ones.. yet, stood by me even when I failed miserably! She was the friend who prayed for me, and her family was "that family" who ministered to me through example not preaching. They were as Welcoming to me, as Tammy was at a time in my life that I really needed that.
Summer ended, and Tammy went to a Bible College in Canada. I remember standing at the airport with her then boyfriend Jacob and her parents and putting her on a plane. Her mom said, "To think the two of you met at J.C. Penney's!". My heart sank that day, I had lost my running buddy and the one friend I had that was any good for me. She loved me as Jesus would have, and stood by me through all my stupid decisions. When most other Christians would have disconnected themselves.
After that life began to move pretty fast for us. I moved from Houston, to the Athens area to live with in the grasps of Jim Crye again. He had caught on that I was having the best time of my life with out him and decided to nip that in the bud! Tammy came home from Bible College and after breaking up with Jacob, swearing to never have anything to do with him again, and on one of my visits to Houston to see my Grandparents announced that she was marrying him. I remember my response being, "but I thought we didn't like Bob (what I call him) anymore." My heart sank some more, because now I was really really loosing my running buddy, but I always thought her and Jacob were meant to be so it could have been worst! I was counting my blessings that I was the one friend of Tammy's that he could stand.
Tammy and Jacob got married at 19, moved off to Kansas. In the mean time, I was busy falling in love with Adam. Adam and I get married on short notice, I remember Tammy calling to say she worked out getting to come to our Wedding, and I said, "Never mind we already did that!" That was a good laugh. We lost touch for about a year after that, do to moves and number changes. I was trying to get a hold of her parents, and she called my Grandparents to get my new number. We talk on the phone and catch up, come to find out her and Jacob had moved to Arlington. So, we decide to meet up. Sitting in Jason's Deli, we find out not only am I pregnant, but she's pregnant and it's twins!
So began our journey together as wives, and now mother's. Another huge blessing from God, was a friend to call and say is your baby doing this? The reassurance for a first time mom that some things are perfectly normal is priceless! Trenten, Haleigh, and Hannah were born exactly a week apart from each other. The journey of what woman struggle with within, has been much easier and sweeter going it together with Tammy.
The greatest battle to walk through together has been her struggle with cancer. During her unplanned and unexpected pregnancy with their son Drew who is a month older than Jonah, Dr.'s discovered a mass on Tammy's Pancreas, Liver, and Spleen that had to be removed with in a couple of weeks of delivering Drew. Talk about rocking your world. Having twin 19 month olds, a new born, and cancer. Yet, she handled it with such strength and Grace that could only come from God alone.
After nearly two years of waiting on weather treatment would be necessary or not, waiting for cancer cells to grow inside her body... a cystic mass shows up on an ovary. Now it's back to the drawing board, removing the cystic mass to see what it is... and yet the pillar of strength still stands. After watching a mother of three this weekend, hurting in pain but not willing to show it until the kids are asleep in the bed.. a mother who cries for her children not herself, that her children cry when she goes to Dr.'s offices or Hospitals because they worry the Dr.'s won't give their mommy back for a while. No three year old should fear that, or even have knowledge of hospitals and Dr.'s to the extent they do.
My Prayer, is for Healing for Tammy, Strength for her, Jacob, and all of her family to with stand the trial. For her children to have comfort and peace that only God can bring. Every time I start to doubt in my mind that God is bigger than all of this, I think of how precious a Gift Tammy is to everyone she comes in contact with... I just refuse to believe that God is done with her yet.
I can not Thank her enough for being the friend to me that she has been. I often describe our friendship as the female version of David and Johnathan in the Bible. One in Spirit since the day we met. I am so grateful for a friendship that blossomed out of J.C. Penney's ten years ago. The amount of trials that we have walked through together in our families, marriages, child raising, and life have been much easier together than they would have been apart. I am Thankful for the years of loud laughter, and good times that have accumulated.
I hope that each of you have a friend like Tammy that God has blessed you with to walk through Life together. I challenge you to take a moment to reflect on how Thankful you are for that person's place in your life tonight. We all take so much for granted each day, and God layed it on my heart not to let another day pass with out praising him for the gift of a True Friend.
Thank You Tammy for being the Awesome friend you are. The friend that can see my house a mess, take me to the ER with my eye infected, and letting me tell you anything knowing it goes no further than you and I. For always being encouraging, loving, honest, and straight to the point all in one beautiful package. Thank you for marrying a man who will put up with us, and allow us to be together... I know it's not an easy pill to swallow! Thank you for letting God shine through you always, and challenging me with out even knowing it to be more like that. Having everything on your plate, and others seeing Jesus in you is amazing. You are the Johnathan who gives his robe right off his back, and goes the extra mile with his sword, and belt. You make those around you feel like David, Shepard boys in the presence of royalty! You are an amazing woman, and you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Remember that in the weeks to come!
Until Next Time,
Julie

Can't help but Worship....

YouTube - Kristene Mueller, Redemption (Jesus Culture)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_NJy8H7t4Q

My friend Rebecca paid us a visit last Saturday. She accidentally left one of her new favorite CD's in my truck. Her sister-in-law who lives in California sent her this CD. It was by a women named Kristene Mueller, she is a Music Minister at a church in San Franscico. Her church has started a 24 hour a day, praying for the City of San Francsico, and for the Nation. So, she has wrote some music, and I have fell in love while worshiping the Lord to her songs. Most of her song verses are straight from the scripture. This CD has made such a difference in my week. I have cried, sung loud, and even took it into "In School Suspension" this week for my sanity. A teacher came in, and the CD was playing. He said, "You can't play music in ISS!" I replied, "It's for me, not for him... and we can if you want me in here!" I couldn't find my favorite songs on You Tube, but here is a taste of what I could find. I hope it is a blessing to you, as it has been to me. Prepare your hearts for Worship tomorrow!
Until Next Time,
Julie

On a Lighter note...

Okay... this Blog may seem kind of all over the place, but that is just how my life is right now. My last Blog was kind of depressing and sad, so I feel the need to share something just to "lighten" my page a bit. This has been a CRAZY week no doubt, one of many, many, many, to come I am sure!I am just so grateful, that with this CRAZY life comes a Great Big God who is in control.

Where do I even start.... For those of you who don't know I recently took a job working as a one on one aide with some challenging students. I left the comforts of a well paying, part time office job working for my parents... to following God in the career I know he is calling me to, which is teaching. This is definitely a foot in the door to that career, but will be a long road getting through the school year.


Some Days... you'd think Adam and I had switched professions!

This job has it's definite challenges, but is very rewarding at the same time. This week at work has been filled with an emotional roller coaster. The adrenaline rushes, stress headaches, and physical and emotional exhaustion have been at a high this week. Yet, I LOVE my job. I have never felt in my lifetime the peace of being in God's Will like I have since coming to work here.

The Blessings just keep pouring out, and my cup runneth over! The majority of the people I work with are Christians, and that makes such a difference in every day life. They are so encouraging to "We" the one on one aides who never know what our day will consist of. I still am given the opportunity from time to time to teach some lessons to the class, and it makes me look forward to the future when I am finished with school and can do that everyday.



I am so grateful to God for loving and supportive family he has blessed me with. Life around the Estes household has been really stressful with the new job, starting back to College, and Adam's wonderful month on the weekend shift. My husband has been so helpful around here. The last 2 weeks I have came home to a clean house on his days off, despite him having dental work done every week. He had a tooth pulled, that resulted in a dry sock it, and lots of pain... but yet he cleaned the house! He called his mom for some help one day, but that's fine by me... I have a clean house. So Kudos to my husband and Mother-in-law for saving my sanity.



I miss my husband who has been working weekend's all month, so naturally we rarely see each other. Which makes for a marriage full of communication, and happy memories let me tell you. I will never be so Happy to see this weekend come and go, so I can have my Husband back. Sorry Chandler P.D. I love him more! My kids will be much happier to have us both back also, I feel like they have been so neglected these past couple of weeks.I am definitely ready for some family time! Like this trip to the Freshwater Fisheries in Athens (above).



College, and the 3 classes I'm taking have been crazy! I think I'm going to start calling my Government teacher "Hitler" because of all his reading and assignments he assigns. I have my first test in Government Monday, so please pray for me... I didn't grow up being brain washed on Texas and the way they do things... so it's all new for me. The hard part about this class, is learning the way the House and Senate do things in Washington, along with the way the house and senate do things in Texas.
For example, here our 2 actual key terms from my chapters over Texas Government:
Pigeonholed- Term for effectively killing a bill brought to the committee table.
Little Legislatures- Instead of calling a committee by the proper term "Standing Committee" here in Texas they call them Little legislatures.
Not that any of you care to know these, but do you see my frustration with the Texas Government right now! Pray for me as I take my First test Monday night, and pray for my children as I will be neglecting them once again this weekend to study!
Hope I have not bored you all to much, but at least now the Estes Daily Review has been updated. Maybe this post will cut me some Blogger Slack since now you know why I'm too busy to update!
Until Next Time,
Julie

You know you Live in the Ghetto When...

Adam and I have dealt with the fact over the last year that what was once a nice, peaceful neighborhood has slowly but surely turned in to a Ghetto. We still find ourselves greatful to God for the roof he has provided for us over our heads, and the sadest part is that we really love our little cozy house, just not where it is located. It is days like today in the Ghetto when we struggle to keep to our agreement to wait it out here until I'm through with my schooling.
Today Adam had to work, so he left at 5am to head to Chandler. Both the boys were up by 6am, Trenten was complaining his stomach hurt, and Jonah had a runny diaper. What a great start to the day. I was contemplating taking the kids to Houston to visit Tammy, but not now. Not with them potentially having the stomach bug that's been going around.
So, as the morning went on they seemed to be doing okay, just a little cranky. By 11am they could go no more. Jonah was in melt down phase, and Trenten was asking to go to bed. So I made a quick lunch, and after they ate I took them to their room at the front of the house to take a nap. As I was laying them down, I heard a horn just being laid on out in the front of the house. This is not uncommon with the drug house that is to the left of us. I kept telling myself, just let it go, just ignore it. The horn would not stop, and Jonah and Trenten were just a cryin'.
Finally after a few minutes the continuous honking quit. Then came the cussing extravaganza. Every cuss word you could possibly imagine being yelled in the street clear as day in my children's bedroom. I turned the CD player on with Barlowgirl playing, and you could still hear the cussing loud and clear over the music. Trenten looked up at me and says, "Momma, those not nice words!" Then, I had had enough. Protective momma reared her ugly head.
I went out the front door to find the meth dealing neighbor who lives to the left of us cussing out my neighbor across the street who had just been sitting out on her porch like she always does on Saturdays. I yelled "Hey! That's enough...I don't care who started it, I've got to kids in here trying to take a nap who don't feel good who can hear every word you're yelling. This is totally inappropriate! If you want to talk like that, go in you're house and talk like that... none of us want to hear it." Well needless to say, the meth dealing neighbor then proceeded to calling me every name in the book of Cussing. All the neighbors who were witnessing her sherade especially loved it when she called me a "Cop F#*!#*% Wh#*%". My response was, "Well I guess you're somewhat right on that one, I am married to one." It frustrated the mess out of her that I would not Cuss her back. She continued to threaten all the neighbors who were out in their yards, she was going to "Whop all our a#*!*".
My favorite was watching her run in her house when the Malakoff Police Officer pulled in. After he took my statement, and all the other neighbors he was able to site her with three charges. I wish that would be enough to make her quit disturbing the peace, but probably not. Just another day in the Ghetto around here.
Until Next Time,
Julie

Taking time to Stop & Smell the Roses....

The pictures above were taken Easter Sunday, but they made for good imagery of the lesson I was reminded of today. Sometimes life gets so busy with every day occurrences that we forget to stop and enjoy the blessings God has given us. Today was an awesome day. This was my last Tuesday off with the kiddos, and we made the best of it. We enjoyed playing over at Jenna's house, and making mini pizza's together. I was the only mother there that didn't take pictures of the event, so let's just add that to the list of how I don't have it all together! Thanks again Jenna for the memories!
As many of you may know, Adam has worked the night shift for a good while now. He Started his first day shift in a while today. He will be on days the next couple of months at least... that is if no one else he works with decides to quit or die! I have learned to just enjoy it while it lasts. Tonight was the first night we have a had a "normal" evening in a long time. I prepared supper, my husband came home and we sat and ate together. It was nice to get to share about how our day went in person. No rush, just adult conversation. That was really nice.
Then we made our lunches for tomorrow, and cleaned the kitchen together. I forgot how nice it is to have help with everything in the evening time. What a blessing! To those of you out there who may be feeling the strains of life coming at you from every direction, don't forget to stop and take a moment to reflect on the blessings God has given you today. It seems to make all the worries float away, when you can just cherish the moment you are in. For as we all may have learned, time passes so quickly and we have no promise of tomorrow.
On that note I bid you good night!
Until next time,
Julie

Happy 6th Wedding Anniversary to Us...

The pictures do a pretty good job explaining themselves, but just in case you are lost that is how Adam proposed to me. We were having a get together at his parents house for all of our family to meet each other. As my brother drove me up the country road leading to their home in Eustace, the signs seen above were placed along the way. At the end of the trail of signs was Adam standing there like that. He looked so scared! I'm sure all the family standing in the distance watching didn't make him nervous at all. Of course I said yes, but Adam didn't hear me the first time. Even though I hugged him, and kissed him, he still wasn't sure I wanted to Marry him. The poor guy just kept asking, "So, will you? " I was like, "Yes! Adam jes I'll Marry you!" I was so embarrassed by everyone being there, and staring, and crying... but I was glad he didn't do what he had originally mentioned which was having an airplane fly over with the big question on the banner behind it.
We laugh when we look back on these pictures now. For one, we were a little thinner I don't know if anyone noticed that? Look at how young, innocent, and happy we look. Maybe a little scared too. We laugh because we had NO IDEA what we were getting ourselves into! We had been friends for 2 years, but we had only dated 3 months before we were hitched! We thought we knew each other, but we only knew the person that we each wanted the other to know... not the REAL US. Can I get an AMEN!
July 4th, 2009 makes 6 years of marriage. That would be 3x as long as my parents expected us to be married, 5x as long as my brothers expected us to be married, and about 2x as long as Adam's parents expected us to be married. I have to admit, there were times the only reason I stayed was to prove them wrong... but I'm glad that I did stay.
When Adam & I were dating and first married our focus was on us. No one else. God's Will, and a personal relationship with God was the furthest thing from our minds. We had a plan, not a very good one, but a plan. We definitely had all our eggs in one basket. I was in Nursing School at the time we got married, Adam was working at ETMC Athens making a little over $6 an hour. I was going to finish Nursing School, and then he was going to go. When we were finished with school, we were going to be rolling in the dough, buy a house, buy this & that, start a family, and live happily ever after with all our stuff!
Then, after a year of barely making our bills or just throwing our expenses on credit cards I failed out of the RN program with a 74.7 because 75% is passing. We were both devastated. I was done, after a year of pure hell there was no way I was going back through that again. I told Adam it was his turn, I couldn't do it. He said no thanks, after seeing everything you had to do I don't want to be a Nurse anymore either. He decided to go back to his original plan of being a Police Officer.
The good thing that happened out of me failing out of Nursing School, and having a Marriage that was hanging on by a thread after one year, was that I started talking to God again. I had no idea where to start. I had messed up so much on my own, I didn't know where and when God would start working but he did! Adam and I had a lot of issues to work through, and they weren't fixed overnight. Adam at this point had decided our marriage was a mistake, just like everyone had warned us, and that he wasn't sure this was going to work anymore.
All I could do was pray that his heart would change. Shortly after Trenten was born, God got a hold of Adam the same way he had gotten a hold of me after failing out of Nursing School. We began our journey together really for the first time, because God was leading not us. Does that mean we've had no major problems since... okay, now that I'm done laughing I can answer definitely not! We still fight and bicker, we've had some major life changing obstacles to overcome, and no we are not always happy. I think Monday afternoon I told Adam if I could rip his big head off and throw it across the room I would! Yep, that's me such a peach to live with!
We learned in the Marriage conference at FBC Malakoff this motto, "If God and I aren't working, Adam & I aren't going to work!" I have to remind myself of that almost everyday. Adam and I were talking the other night about the past 6 years, and all we can do is give the Praise to God that he saved our Marriage, and carried us through some unimaginable situations, and that he continues to work on us daily. So, if you are unhappy in your marriage or struggling to stay married know that you are not alone! Turn to Jesus, and ask him for the strength, wisdom, and encouragement that you need to heal the wounds that we inflict on each other through life together. I want everyone to know that Adam & I do not have it all together, but if you ever want to talk to another married couple that has been there we are here!
To my Husband who has managed to tolerate me for the last 6 years... Thank you, and Bless You as my brothers tell you often. You are a special guy! Thank You for loving me, even when I make it hard for you too. Thank You for being a wonderful Husband who tries your hardest to make me happy, even though I make that an exhausting grueling task at times. Thank you for being the Greatest Dad in the World to our boys, and for backing me up on the way I do things with them even when no one else agrees. Thank you for asking me to marry you, and claiming you would do it all over again even though I've given you every reason to NOT want to do it all over again. Thank you for the years of uncontrollable laughter, and tolerating me peeing on myself because your so sticking funny at times. Yes, that happened 2x before we were ever married and he still asked me! Here is to a lifetime of being in this together, even though that seems impossible at times. I'm glad to say I no longer Doubt that the mighty God we serve will carry, lead, and guide us the rest of the way. Thank you for just being you, and ALWAYS being there for me. I Love you with all my heart!
Here is to beating the odds!
Until Next Time,
Julie


What A Cute Couple!!!

Here's to the Days before Stress, before kids, and before Sleepless Nights! Just Youth and Happiness! I love you Babe!