As part of my journey over seeking and following God's Call in my life, I have once again ran into some opposition. I'm glad to say this time in encountering my opposition, I have found encouragement and the Lord has sent me others to speak encouragement in my life. I have learned a valuable lesson this week, from experiencing well- meaning Christians throwing their opinions at me. With out thinking twice about what they were saying, or how discouraging it was to me following God's Will in my life. A lesson my Mother taught me from a young age, and maybe your mother the same. The lesson of minding our mouths!
It was announced this week at work that if I were to return next year what my position would be. Which is different than what I do now, but is still an aide position for $12,000 a year I assure you. It comes equipped with more hours away from my family, more responsibility, more stress, more after hours that you are not paid for, and so on. Needless to say, Adam and I are still following what we feel God is leading us to which is me not returning to work next year to stay home with our two little ones. When people have asked me, I have been honest to what we are leaning towards and let's just say the responses have been shocking.
A couple of women who do not have an existent walk with the Lord that I'm aware of told me, "I was Crazy, I have such a wonderful job and this is such a wonderful opportunity I'd be crazy not to take it." Another told me, "When we can't pay our bills because I'm not working don't call her because she told me that would happen." These kind of responses from non-Christians I could expect and let roll of me. I don't expect the loss to get someone making sacrifices for what the Lord is Calling them too.
Now comes the well meaning Christian responses. "You need this job for your resume when you do finish your degree and are able to start teaching, it will look bad if you quit now." Another quote, "Your children are resilient, they will adjust to whatever you decide to do. They seem far from emotionally disturbed to me, so what if Trent lays in bed crying for you at night because he's gone several days with out seeing you... that's just him playing your guilt factor, don't let him do that!" Another quote, "Just give up your involvement in the church, not your job. If your feeling to overwhelmed and your kids aren't getting enough of you, cut other areas of your life." Another quote, "There are many ways to Mother, your kids will just have to adjust to your limited time with them. You'll have to get more creative with the moments you have with them to Mother them." The Opinions could go on and on!
When I sat back to ponder all that had been said to me... in ONE DAY I could not find a biblical stance in one of them. In fact, I found more non-biblical than biblical. I felt so discouraged, I had been praying all week for God to continue to affirm our decision was the right one. Then, THIS MUCK! The Lesson that I learned is that we as Christians are guilty of speaking before thinking or praying of what God would want us to say. Everyone is entitled to an opinion yes, but should we always share it? That is when my Mother use to say, "Julie Anne.. Mind your mouth!" For those of you that hang out with me on the regular basis that lesson didn't stick so well. I am my Father's daughter and tend to speak my opinion often weather you ask for it, weather it's biblical or not. This week has taught me that I don't like being on the receiving end. That I would hate to be responsible for leading someone to do something differently because I spoke an unbiblical opinion! That's being the devil's helper. It has called me to seek Minding my Mouth the way the Bible tells us to do so.
Proverbs 10:19-21
When words are many, sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise.
The tongue of the righteous is choice silver,
but the heart of the wicked is of little value.
The lips of the righteous nourish many,
but fools die for lack of judgment.
So, I will leave you to take this challenge with me! What are we doing and saying to encourage others around us, NOT contributing to the devil's workshop across the street!
Until Next Time,
Julie
My Boys
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
For the Love of a Mother...
I love when Jonah walks in and has his pajama pants on his head
Talking as if it were nothing out of the ordinary all the while
Running into the occasional wall.
I love when the most profound statements come out of Trenten's mouth
and we wonder where he came up with that, because for once he's not repeating his motor mouth mother! For example, "read your Bible momma' so you be nicer.. right now!"
I love watching imaginations take off into their own world. When my little boy calls himself "the Great Hunter Trenten" and hides in the tall bloomless flower stalks in the backyard that in his mind is a Safari in Africa where he and Jonah are the hunted.
I love in the middle of the night how a King size bed that held two, slowly turns into five... first Trent, about an hour later Jonah, and then the dog Oliver!I can't even move with out Adam helping get them off me! I love how the first thing Trent says when he wakes up is.. "I wuv you momma." and you know he means it with every beat of his little heart.
I love when Jonah gets into the same no no for the hundredth time, and time out didn't phase him a bit. When you go to spank he cries, "NO! I wuv u! Wuv u momma.." as he runs away holding his butt in one hand, and looking behind him to see how close you are on his trail all the while. How do you spank a kid after that?
I love opening up Mother's day gifts that my boys made themselves, and are so proud of. Thanks to my Creative and talented Supermom sister-in-law Jessica, who kept them for a day along with her own two energetic little ones and still managed to make hand painted tiles with their hand prints. The sweetest gift. The best part was her telling the story at Mother's Day about Trent listing the colors in my house by name.. "Pony tail, hot chocolate, etc." Yes, and he's only 4!
I love chasing both the boys through the house acting like a rabid T-Rex and listening to them scream with excitement. I love watching their personalities grow a little more every day into their unique little selves! Thank goodness they have a good sense of humor! They get that from their Mother of course, and need it to survive this crazy house hold.
I love hearing Trent pray little innocent prayers, and Jonah yell AMEN! You'd think being baptist was genetic around here. When Trent gets real excited over something, he's been known to preach a sermon or two!
I love every year when Mother's Day rolls around getting to reflect on the 2 greatest Blessings the Lord ever sent my way that no doctors thought possible. I love every day getting to pour into my little blessings and pray that one day they'll be ready to to sprout blessings of their own.
I read last night an interesting chapter in the book "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy DeMoss. When talking about raising our children and subjecting them to the world, she stated when there is 6-8 inches of snow on the ground no one dreams of taking a newly started plant and exposing it to the weather outside. We don't plant it out there in the Winter and say, "there you go little plant, best of luck in the cold harsh winter hope your still alive come spring!" That's what Green house's are for. To establish a plants roots, make them healthy and strong. Then, when the Season is right plant them outside to grow and thrive.
This made me Love my Mission as a mother all the more, it made me hungry for May 28th to arrive. I can not wait for all the opportunities God is going to lay before me soon with my little ones... I just Love being a Mother!
Talking as if it were nothing out of the ordinary all the while
Running into the occasional wall.
I love when the most profound statements come out of Trenten's mouth
and we wonder where he came up with that, because for once he's not repeating his motor mouth mother! For example, "read your Bible momma' so you be nicer.. right now!"
I love watching imaginations take off into their own world. When my little boy calls himself "the Great Hunter Trenten" and hides in the tall bloomless flower stalks in the backyard that in his mind is a Safari in Africa where he and Jonah are the hunted.
I love in the middle of the night how a King size bed that held two, slowly turns into five... first Trent, about an hour later Jonah, and then the dog Oliver!I can't even move with out Adam helping get them off me! I love how the first thing Trent says when he wakes up is.. "I wuv you momma." and you know he means it with every beat of his little heart.
I love when Jonah gets into the same no no for the hundredth time, and time out didn't phase him a bit. When you go to spank he cries, "NO! I wuv u! Wuv u momma.." as he runs away holding his butt in one hand, and looking behind him to see how close you are on his trail all the while. How do you spank a kid after that?
I love opening up Mother's day gifts that my boys made themselves, and are so proud of. Thanks to my Creative and talented Supermom sister-in-law Jessica, who kept them for a day along with her own two energetic little ones and still managed to make hand painted tiles with their hand prints. The sweetest gift. The best part was her telling the story at Mother's Day about Trent listing the colors in my house by name.. "Pony tail, hot chocolate, etc." Yes, and he's only 4!
I love chasing both the boys through the house acting like a rabid T-Rex and listening to them scream with excitement. I love watching their personalities grow a little more every day into their unique little selves! Thank goodness they have a good sense of humor! They get that from their Mother of course, and need it to survive this crazy house hold.
I love hearing Trent pray little innocent prayers, and Jonah yell AMEN! You'd think being baptist was genetic around here. When Trent gets real excited over something, he's been known to preach a sermon or two!
I love every year when Mother's Day rolls around getting to reflect on the 2 greatest Blessings the Lord ever sent my way that no doctors thought possible. I love every day getting to pour into my little blessings and pray that one day they'll be ready to to sprout blessings of their own.
I read last night an interesting chapter in the book "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy DeMoss. When talking about raising our children and subjecting them to the world, she stated when there is 6-8 inches of snow on the ground no one dreams of taking a newly started plant and exposing it to the weather outside. We don't plant it out there in the Winter and say, "there you go little plant, best of luck in the cold harsh winter hope your still alive come spring!" That's what Green house's are for. To establish a plants roots, make them healthy and strong. Then, when the Season is right plant them outside to grow and thrive.
This made me Love my Mission as a mother all the more, it made me hungry for May 28th to arrive. I can not wait for all the opportunities God is going to lay before me soon with my little ones... I just Love being a Mother!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Following "the Call"....
What has God called us to do? For each of us it may be different. For each of us it is something we have to hear from God ourselves on, no one else can discover our "Call" for us. I have struggled, and ultimately faught with God over this for years now. I know with all my heart what God has called me to do. I've known it for years now, but have refussed to let go of control of everything to allow him to make following my Call to the fullest possible. I have stood in God's way.
Now, have I known that I was standing in God's way the entire time? No, I've blamed others and my circumstances for keeping me from following my Call to the fullest. For that, I think of all the wasted years I've spent... that I could have been doing what I knew I should have.
So what is my "Call"? I know that God has called me to stay at home with our two precious little ones for some time now. I have literally never been at peace with me working while they are this little. I do not believe that all Mother's are "Called" to stay home with their children. I have so much respect for the Women who work full time, have a family, and so many other responsibilities. It is not an easy row to hoe! I also have respect for Mother's who heard and felt God's call for their family, and have made the sacrifice of two incomes to follow their hearts.
I might have shared this before, and if I have I'm sorry you're going to hear it again. I knew from the age of five that I was called to be a mother. I never doubted doctor after doctor who said, "children are probably just not possible for you" from the age of sixteen that I would still one day be a mother. I remember leaving a doctors office at seventeen with my Grandmother (because my parents still lived in California, I was already in Texas for College)where a specialist had done a sonogram and surveyed the damage of my female organs. The Specialist said, "You'll never have a baby of your own". My grandmother was nearly distrought. She asked me as we left Why I wasn't upset? I simply replied, "That doctor must not know the God I know.." Simple as that!
When I held my first son in my arms, it was the most amzing feeling! I'm sure all mother's have that first moment story, but it was if I could feel God's presence and him telling me this is your job now! Yet, because of lack of faith that financially we would make it I continued working. Working for my parents wasn't a bad gig for having a newborn. I got to bring him with me until he was almost a year. Then, he started getting into things and so I had to make other arrangments.
I was misserable being away from Trent, unsure of what he was doing through out the day. Feeling like it was my place to be with him, to teach him, to comfort him, to provide for all his needs... and yet I was in an office! Not to long after this decision impossible and unplanned baby number 2 arrived. Jonah was like God's way of hammering home to me that I wasn't doing what he had called me to do. Jonah also went to work with me for a short while, then other arrangments. This time I was only working 2-3 days a week though, and so I didn't feel as guilty. They were getting more of me, than they had in the past.
Then came the decision to work at Tool Elementary Full time. Along with College Full time, and other parts of life. My Children soon were getting less of me than anyone I knew. God began to beat away on me how out of wack my priorities had became, and who was ultimately paying the price for it. I began to seek God on what I should do? I knew the answer soon after with out a doubt, and strangely so did Adam. He came home the same day I did and said, "You need to quit your job, and stay home next year with the boys." This coming from someone who had never understood or agreed with why I would want to do this in the first place. It was monumental! We still didn't know how? How would God work all this out financially?
We continued to pray, and God continued to work. Adam and I thought we knew exactly how it was all going to work out... and then came the curve balls! A very wise person told me Sunday night, that a good sign you're doing what God wants is when Satan starts to attack. Well, Satan's been visiting here for about a month. Causing me to renig on our plans, and say, "its just not going to work out." I have an absolute fear that if I make the decision to stay home next year that my family might starve! Oh' ye of little faith is right!
I have not experienced peace in a month since I reniged and decided I would have to return to work. I still fear the what ifs? I still have moments where I lack the faith that this is what I need to do. After Sunday nights sermon, and God dealing with me... I'm still a little scared but I know that I have to step out and follow the Call! This is now my prayer:
Psalms 143
O Lord hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord.
My spirit fails
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
TEACH ME TO DO YOUR WILL,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your name sake, O Lord, perserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies:
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Please pray with me that God will continue to move mountains to open doors for our family. I have watched him move all around me, and am ready for him to move through me.
Until Next Time,
Julie
Now, have I known that I was standing in God's way the entire time? No, I've blamed others and my circumstances for keeping me from following my Call to the fullest. For that, I think of all the wasted years I've spent... that I could have been doing what I knew I should have.
So what is my "Call"? I know that God has called me to stay at home with our two precious little ones for some time now. I have literally never been at peace with me working while they are this little. I do not believe that all Mother's are "Called" to stay home with their children. I have so much respect for the Women who work full time, have a family, and so many other responsibilities. It is not an easy row to hoe! I also have respect for Mother's who heard and felt God's call for their family, and have made the sacrifice of two incomes to follow their hearts.
I might have shared this before, and if I have I'm sorry you're going to hear it again. I knew from the age of five that I was called to be a mother. I never doubted doctor after doctor who said, "children are probably just not possible for you" from the age of sixteen that I would still one day be a mother. I remember leaving a doctors office at seventeen with my Grandmother (because my parents still lived in California, I was already in Texas for College)where a specialist had done a sonogram and surveyed the damage of my female organs. The Specialist said, "You'll never have a baby of your own". My grandmother was nearly distrought. She asked me as we left Why I wasn't upset? I simply replied, "That doctor must not know the God I know.." Simple as that!
When I held my first son in my arms, it was the most amzing feeling! I'm sure all mother's have that first moment story, but it was if I could feel God's presence and him telling me this is your job now! Yet, because of lack of faith that financially we would make it I continued working. Working for my parents wasn't a bad gig for having a newborn. I got to bring him with me until he was almost a year. Then, he started getting into things and so I had to make other arrangments.
I was misserable being away from Trent, unsure of what he was doing through out the day. Feeling like it was my place to be with him, to teach him, to comfort him, to provide for all his needs... and yet I was in an office! Not to long after this decision impossible and unplanned baby number 2 arrived. Jonah was like God's way of hammering home to me that I wasn't doing what he had called me to do. Jonah also went to work with me for a short while, then other arrangments. This time I was only working 2-3 days a week though, and so I didn't feel as guilty. They were getting more of me, than they had in the past.
Then came the decision to work at Tool Elementary Full time. Along with College Full time, and other parts of life. My Children soon were getting less of me than anyone I knew. God began to beat away on me how out of wack my priorities had became, and who was ultimately paying the price for it. I began to seek God on what I should do? I knew the answer soon after with out a doubt, and strangely so did Adam. He came home the same day I did and said, "You need to quit your job, and stay home next year with the boys." This coming from someone who had never understood or agreed with why I would want to do this in the first place. It was monumental! We still didn't know how? How would God work all this out financially?
We continued to pray, and God continued to work. Adam and I thought we knew exactly how it was all going to work out... and then came the curve balls! A very wise person told me Sunday night, that a good sign you're doing what God wants is when Satan starts to attack. Well, Satan's been visiting here for about a month. Causing me to renig on our plans, and say, "its just not going to work out." I have an absolute fear that if I make the decision to stay home next year that my family might starve! Oh' ye of little faith is right!
I have not experienced peace in a month since I reniged and decided I would have to return to work. I still fear the what ifs? I still have moments where I lack the faith that this is what I need to do. After Sunday nights sermon, and God dealing with me... I'm still a little scared but I know that I have to step out and follow the Call! This is now my prayer:
Psalms 143
O Lord hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord.
My spirit fails
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
TEACH ME TO DO YOUR WILL,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your name sake, O Lord, perserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies:
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Please pray with me that God will continue to move mountains to open doors for our family. I have watched him move all around me, and am ready for him to move through me.
Until Next Time,
Julie
Friday, April 23, 2010
Struggling Point...
I don't know when it started, if I could recall the exact moment... but it has. Was it today when they came through work handing out packets showing our insurance costs are going to double for next year? Leaving me officially bringing home nothing, working for insurance, child care, and gas to work. Was it early in the week, when Adam was in the Hospital with Pneumonia and thinking straight on literally minutes of sleep instead of hours just wasn't possible. Was it tonight when I watched my husband with great disappointment send an E-Mail to notify the City of Carrollton that he would be unable to attend their testing tomorrow due to not being well enough to perform the physical adgility round of testing. I'm not really sure when it was, but all of my emotions have caught up to me and I am undoubtedly struggling.
All I can think to do is Pray, and write... writing seems to help me work through what I'm thinking and feeling more so than talking. I wish I had a way to see ahead into what God is doing here. I wish I knew why he was throwing us one curve ball after another? I really want to ask why all in one week! Yet, I laugh through my tears because in all this mess I know that I know that I know God is here, and he's in control. I wish I could PLAN, I would plan a party at this point just to feel like I could plan something in life again because God has flipped my planning basket upside down! As a woman, THIS SUCKS! As a christian IT SUCKS, but in a good/bad way because it is making me rely and grow with God in ways I never have before.
In this past week I have experienced strength through him I never knew I could possibly possess! I know I need to be praising him, but I just keep struggling with the what am I going to do? What are we going to do? How bad is it going to get? Kind of thoughts. This is some more of that real me you may not be able to handle, but it is where I'm at tonight. I pray for a better tomorrow!
Until Next Time,
Julie
All I can think to do is Pray, and write... writing seems to help me work through what I'm thinking and feeling more so than talking. I wish I had a way to see ahead into what God is doing here. I wish I knew why he was throwing us one curve ball after another? I really want to ask why all in one week! Yet, I laugh through my tears because in all this mess I know that I know that I know God is here, and he's in control. I wish I could PLAN, I would plan a party at this point just to feel like I could plan something in life again because God has flipped my planning basket upside down! As a woman, THIS SUCKS! As a christian IT SUCKS, but in a good/bad way because it is making me rely and grow with God in ways I never have before.
In this past week I have experienced strength through him I never knew I could possibly possess! I know I need to be praising him, but I just keep struggling with the what am I going to do? What are we going to do? How bad is it going to get? Kind of thoughts. This is some more of that real me you may not be able to handle, but it is where I'm at tonight. I pray for a better tomorrow!
Until Next Time,
Julie
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Coca- Cola VS. Sprite in Life...
One Summer, my father inflicted great suffering on all of his children when he came up with the idea to vacation with his boss, his bosses wife, and their one and only daughter. When I say one and only, believe me you knew it with in the first five minutes of meeting her. From the time I was five, my father had constantly made me "be friends" with this girl. I didn't usually have a problem being friends with anyone, but for some reason this brat and I had a hard time clicking.
It wasn't just me, my brothers couldn't stand her either. Everything she did aggravated the mess out of the two of them. Yet, my father strongly encouraged us that we would be nice anyway. So we set off across country in a motor home for two weeks with the biggest selfish bratty princess this country has encountered. If the majority of the group was going one way, she was going the other I assure you. Once her mom and dad realized she was going the other way, they would go the other way with her. If we voted to stop at Whataburger, she voted Burger King that California had plenty of. If we were assigned chores, princess wasn't. If we slept outside in a sleeping bag, princess had a bed indoors. Finally to reach my point, if we drank coke she had to have Sprite.
My mom refused to buy fifty different kind of sodas for everyone. All the adults drank diet coke, all of us kids other than princess drank coke. Princess refused to drink coke, and even cried at a meal because she didn't have anymore sprite to drink. Which was like the straw that broke the camels back for my brothers and I. Of course, her parents rallied around her. They suggested Princess explain to the group why she refused to drink colored sodas anymore. So princess explained that when you drink darker colored sodas she read in a study that it dyes your intestines dark over time. Yet, if you drink sodas with no color your intestines stay a nice healthy pinkish white color which was important to her health wise.
We listened carefully as she explained her concerns over a dark colored soda, and in classic Julie Crye fashion I replied, "Are you planning on seeing your intestines any time soon? Cause' I'm not, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll make my whole life with out examining my own intestines!" Needless to say the rest of the vacation was even funner than it had been up to that point, and yes Princess got her Sprite!
Don't ask me why, but the other day this crossed my mind. How much my life resembles my attitude of drinking Coca- Cola. Yes, I still do, when I do chose to have some caffeine. If anyone ever saw my intestines one day, I'm sure it would be the most dark, nasty, disgusting, repelling, vile sight anyone had ever experienced. Yet, the chances of anyone beyond a doctor with expertise in the intestinal area seeing my intestines is slim to none, so I rarely ever think, worry, or take measures to insure my intestines will be pretty when and if they do.
I thought of how much sin, and just stuff I have in my life, mind, and heart right now that is dark, nasty, disgusting, repelling, and vile if I ever let it out for anyone to see. If I opened my mouth enough to say more than I actually do (I know isn't that scary, can u imagine me even more tell it like it is!). I think if people really knew me, my thoughts, my fears, and all my really deep imperfections they would probably walk away and not talk to me anymore, probably even remove me as a friend from their face book page. Maybe a fake smile here or there in passing, but that's as good as it would get.
The truth is sometimes I scare myself, I'm like, "did I just think that?" or "did I just say that?" Yep, it's stinkier than poop sometimes. I know that my true cleansing doesn't come from some Go-lightly, or by drinking Sprite to keep my intestines "pretty". It comes through my hungry and thirsty times with God. When I cling to him, and try and wait patiently to hear from him on which direction to go. God is CONSTANTLY at work in cleansing me, refocusing my extreme multitasking spirit to what is important to him. Sometimes I throw tantrums like a only child Princess I once knew myself, but with God. I even questioned him this week on if he remembered me and my dreams?
Yeah... remember that say what you think mentality I was talking about earlier. I do it with God too, which is not so smart most of the time. He answered quickly though. It's funny how God works, and how stupid we his sheep can be. He answered me, and I'm still sitting here saying was that you answering me Lord, or is this just a big coincidence! I know in my heart what he's saying, I'm just scared of it, and scared to believe that's what he wants from me. There is some of that nasty stuff coming out, that people don't know what to do with.
This is me, I guarantee you over the next couple of months you will see some of this journey God is taking me on. You may not want to, what I say might upset you, you might not agree with... but it's what I'm thinking as God deals with my heart and changes my life. Sometimes to get to a finished product, you have to wade through some crap!
Until next time,
Julie
It wasn't just me, my brothers couldn't stand her either. Everything she did aggravated the mess out of the two of them. Yet, my father strongly encouraged us that we would be nice anyway. So we set off across country in a motor home for two weeks with the biggest selfish bratty princess this country has encountered. If the majority of the group was going one way, she was going the other I assure you. Once her mom and dad realized she was going the other way, they would go the other way with her. If we voted to stop at Whataburger, she voted Burger King that California had plenty of. If we were assigned chores, princess wasn't. If we slept outside in a sleeping bag, princess had a bed indoors. Finally to reach my point, if we drank coke she had to have Sprite.
My mom refused to buy fifty different kind of sodas for everyone. All the adults drank diet coke, all of us kids other than princess drank coke. Princess refused to drink coke, and even cried at a meal because she didn't have anymore sprite to drink. Which was like the straw that broke the camels back for my brothers and I. Of course, her parents rallied around her. They suggested Princess explain to the group why she refused to drink colored sodas anymore. So princess explained that when you drink darker colored sodas she read in a study that it dyes your intestines dark over time. Yet, if you drink sodas with no color your intestines stay a nice healthy pinkish white color which was important to her health wise.
We listened carefully as she explained her concerns over a dark colored soda, and in classic Julie Crye fashion I replied, "Are you planning on seeing your intestines any time soon? Cause' I'm not, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll make my whole life with out examining my own intestines!" Needless to say the rest of the vacation was even funner than it had been up to that point, and yes Princess got her Sprite!
Don't ask me why, but the other day this crossed my mind. How much my life resembles my attitude of drinking Coca- Cola. Yes, I still do, when I do chose to have some caffeine. If anyone ever saw my intestines one day, I'm sure it would be the most dark, nasty, disgusting, repelling, vile sight anyone had ever experienced. Yet, the chances of anyone beyond a doctor with expertise in the intestinal area seeing my intestines is slim to none, so I rarely ever think, worry, or take measures to insure my intestines will be pretty when and if they do.
I thought of how much sin, and just stuff I have in my life, mind, and heart right now that is dark, nasty, disgusting, repelling, and vile if I ever let it out for anyone to see. If I opened my mouth enough to say more than I actually do (I know isn't that scary, can u imagine me even more tell it like it is!). I think if people really knew me, my thoughts, my fears, and all my really deep imperfections they would probably walk away and not talk to me anymore, probably even remove me as a friend from their face book page. Maybe a fake smile here or there in passing, but that's as good as it would get.
The truth is sometimes I scare myself, I'm like, "did I just think that?" or "did I just say that?" Yep, it's stinkier than poop sometimes. I know that my true cleansing doesn't come from some Go-lightly, or by drinking Sprite to keep my intestines "pretty". It comes through my hungry and thirsty times with God. When I cling to him, and try and wait patiently to hear from him on which direction to go. God is CONSTANTLY at work in cleansing me, refocusing my extreme multitasking spirit to what is important to him. Sometimes I throw tantrums like a only child Princess I once knew myself, but with God. I even questioned him this week on if he remembered me and my dreams?
Yeah... remember that say what you think mentality I was talking about earlier. I do it with God too, which is not so smart most of the time. He answered quickly though. It's funny how God works, and how stupid we his sheep can be. He answered me, and I'm still sitting here saying was that you answering me Lord, or is this just a big coincidence! I know in my heart what he's saying, I'm just scared of it, and scared to believe that's what he wants from me. There is some of that nasty stuff coming out, that people don't know what to do with.
This is me, I guarantee you over the next couple of months you will see some of this journey God is taking me on. You may not want to, what I say might upset you, you might not agree with... but it's what I'm thinking as God deals with my heart and changes my life. Sometimes to get to a finished product, you have to wade through some crap!
Until next time,
Julie
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The Never Ending Delima of Motherhood...
As Mother's there are always things we face with our Children that are Never Ending it seems. Around our house its laundry, dishes, cleaning the toy room, and cooking meals. Trenten often asks, "Didn't we just do dat momma'?" Yes we did, and as we Mother's have all come to learn... we'll do it again, and again, and again. The responsibilities that come with Motherhood are endless, you don't get to do them once and be done. It's a day after day task, and is not meant for weak.
I have had the joy of reading a book, "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. I'm still not completely finished, but boy has this book stirred the pot around our house! I'm surprised Adam has not taken it and hidden it from me, but I will not regret the realizations this book has made me come to. Yet, its dealing with those realizations that makes it hard.
My greatest ambition from the time I was 5 years old, was to me a mother. I'm talking the all out minivan soccer mom profile! My mother was a stay at home mom through the majority of my raising. Both my parents strived for me to go to College, get married only if I must.. they did not want me to follow in my mother's footsteps of Graduating High School, getting married, and start shooting out one baby after another. Yet, in the end the way I did it wasn't much different.
The greatest dilemma that I face as a mother, is the strong desire and calling within my heart that I have felt before Trenten ever arrived in this world to stay home with my children, to make my home my primary responsibility, and to teach my children myself. I constantly feel guilty because I would literally need a 48 hour day to complete everything I have to do right now. At the end of the day I feel like my boss's at work are happy for a job well done, my professor's are happy, I'm able to make all A's in a full load of college classes, the church is happy because there's someone to ride the bus, help in the kids department, and sing every once in a while. Yet the people who suffer the lack of my time, and would probably give me a bad grade if we were on a grading system would be my Husband and mostly my precious 2 little boys.
The guilt of that is hard to swallow. When your children scream and cry every morning because you leave them behind to go to a job, and teach other children who can't even behave in a classroom by themselves... you start to wonder what am I doing? Why am I putting them through this? Let's see, I bring home around $10,000 a year, to bounce my children to a different family members house every day in the wee hours of the morning because I can't even afford daycare... does this make sense to anyone else?
Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I love the people I work with. The reasoning behind taking the job to begin with was that it is in the teaching field, and that's what I'm going to school for. It's just when you feel like your children are the ones sacrificing everything because there are not enough hours in a day, where will there ever be peace in that? When and where does that Dilemma end? When they're grown and gone and I'm left hoping the one day a week that I was able to spend any time with them was enough?
The way my schedule is now M-F I'm gone by 6:15am. On Monday's and Wed. I have night classes at TVCC in Athens. On Wed. I have tutoring before class at 4pm all the way until class starts. I get home from that class around 10pm, and I have not seen my children at all. Monday are not much better, I come home from work, cook dinner, and then leave for my class. They are usually in bed by the time I get home that night also. Tuesday's I have assignments due in my Internet class, which usually take a couple hours to complete and turn in. So even though I'm here, they do not get any of my attention really. Thursday's thru Saturday's Adam works. So I get off work, go pick the kids up, come home cook dinner, bath time, and I usually have homework to work on also. So my children maybe get thirty minutes of me before they go to bed.
I am certain that there are other mother's who feel my pain. Who struggle with the same. I am just consumed with guilt right now that my children are paying a heavy price for my decisions. Please do not feel if you are a full time working mother, that I am knocking you right now for being just that. I am just saying, that I can't find the balance in it anymore. I don't want to wake up one day when my kids are teenagers or out of the house, and have nothing but regret because I didn't make an impact on their lives everyone else around them did!
The icing on the cake for what I need to do came this week when I took both boys for the yearly check ups and vaccinations. The Pediatrician went over several things with Trenten and said, "You know his fine motor skills are really lacking. If your not going to work with him on these areas, than maybe you need to put him in daycare.. because they will." Not what I needed that day!
I made the decision this week to no longer argue with Adam over what to do. I have decided to just take it to God in Prayer. As of right now, we have 2 plans I am praying for A! Adam knows that I am blogging about this, and he asked if who ever reads this would give some feedback. So Please, tell us what you think.
Plan A
Adam is going to apply for different jobs and try to have a higher paying one by August. If so, I will be able to stay at home with the boys, and continue working on finishing my degree which will still take 2 more years at A&M Navarro.
Plan B
Adam doesn't get a different job, or any other supplemental income and I return to my job in August. Trenten will start Pre-K at school where I work, and Jonah will have to go to daycare.
I have had the joy of reading a book, "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. I'm still not completely finished, but boy has this book stirred the pot around our house! I'm surprised Adam has not taken it and hidden it from me, but I will not regret the realizations this book has made me come to. Yet, its dealing with those realizations that makes it hard.
My greatest ambition from the time I was 5 years old, was to me a mother. I'm talking the all out minivan soccer mom profile! My mother was a stay at home mom through the majority of my raising. Both my parents strived for me to go to College, get married only if I must.. they did not want me to follow in my mother's footsteps of Graduating High School, getting married, and start shooting out one baby after another. Yet, in the end the way I did it wasn't much different.
The greatest dilemma that I face as a mother, is the strong desire and calling within my heart that I have felt before Trenten ever arrived in this world to stay home with my children, to make my home my primary responsibility, and to teach my children myself. I constantly feel guilty because I would literally need a 48 hour day to complete everything I have to do right now. At the end of the day I feel like my boss's at work are happy for a job well done, my professor's are happy, I'm able to make all A's in a full load of college classes, the church is happy because there's someone to ride the bus, help in the kids department, and sing every once in a while. Yet the people who suffer the lack of my time, and would probably give me a bad grade if we were on a grading system would be my Husband and mostly my precious 2 little boys.
The guilt of that is hard to swallow. When your children scream and cry every morning because you leave them behind to go to a job, and teach other children who can't even behave in a classroom by themselves... you start to wonder what am I doing? Why am I putting them through this? Let's see, I bring home around $10,000 a year, to bounce my children to a different family members house every day in the wee hours of the morning because I can't even afford daycare... does this make sense to anyone else?
Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I love the people I work with. The reasoning behind taking the job to begin with was that it is in the teaching field, and that's what I'm going to school for. It's just when you feel like your children are the ones sacrificing everything because there are not enough hours in a day, where will there ever be peace in that? When and where does that Dilemma end? When they're grown and gone and I'm left hoping the one day a week that I was able to spend any time with them was enough?
The way my schedule is now M-F I'm gone by 6:15am. On Monday's and Wed. I have night classes at TVCC in Athens. On Wed. I have tutoring before class at 4pm all the way until class starts. I get home from that class around 10pm, and I have not seen my children at all. Monday are not much better, I come home from work, cook dinner, and then leave for my class. They are usually in bed by the time I get home that night also. Tuesday's I have assignments due in my Internet class, which usually take a couple hours to complete and turn in. So even though I'm here, they do not get any of my attention really. Thursday's thru Saturday's Adam works. So I get off work, go pick the kids up, come home cook dinner, bath time, and I usually have homework to work on also. So my children maybe get thirty minutes of me before they go to bed.
I am certain that there are other mother's who feel my pain. Who struggle with the same. I am just consumed with guilt right now that my children are paying a heavy price for my decisions. Please do not feel if you are a full time working mother, that I am knocking you right now for being just that. I am just saying, that I can't find the balance in it anymore. I don't want to wake up one day when my kids are teenagers or out of the house, and have nothing but regret because I didn't make an impact on their lives everyone else around them did!
The icing on the cake for what I need to do came this week when I took both boys for the yearly check ups and vaccinations. The Pediatrician went over several things with Trenten and said, "You know his fine motor skills are really lacking. If your not going to work with him on these areas, than maybe you need to put him in daycare.. because they will." Not what I needed that day!
I made the decision this week to no longer argue with Adam over what to do. I have decided to just take it to God in Prayer. As of right now, we have 2 plans I am praying for A! Adam knows that I am blogging about this, and he asked if who ever reads this would give some feedback. So Please, tell us what you think.
Plan A
Adam is going to apply for different jobs and try to have a higher paying one by August. If so, I will be able to stay at home with the boys, and continue working on finishing my degree which will still take 2 more years at A&M Navarro.
Plan B
Adam doesn't get a different job, or any other supplemental income and I return to my job in August. Trenten will start Pre-K at school where I work, and Jonah will have to go to daycare.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Gift From God...
Julie and Tammy Last Spring on one of her visits to Malakoff
This weekend I spent some time in Houston with my Best Friend Tammy and her sweet family. Sadly in all the hustle and bustle of the weekend no pictures were taken, so this old photo above will have to do for now. During our visit together, I was reminded how precious the gift of a true friend is. It is such a gift from God to be allowed a friendship like Tammy and I have. As each day passes, I am forever becoming more and more grateful to the God in which we Love and Serve for allowing me Tammy.
It was the Summer of 2000, I was working at J.C. Penney's at the Deerbrook mall and taking classes at the local Community College in Kingwood. What I was really doing was enjoying my freedoms for the first time in my life from the firm grasp of Jim Crye, and literally having the time of my life. I wasn't wild per say, but I was having fun and on the road that could have led there. Summer had began, and with that came the pool of young new hires at J.C. Penney's. Tammy Hatley was one of them.
The first day I saw her, she was completing her training on computer modules and I passed her coming out of the break room. She had the hugest smile on her face, that made you have to smile back. She even said Hi as we passed, even though she didn't know me.. instead of it being weird though it brightened my day. It left me thinking, I wish I was more like that girl! That was just in passing.
A few days later, we were assigned to the Purse Department together. Needless to say, Purse sells were up that week! Tammy and I were like a dynamic duo. We made customers laugh, and buy more stuff. It was good times. Then, we started hanging out on our time off together, and were basically joined at the hip through out that summer. Tammy was the good influence on me. When I'd tell her things I was doing that I knew better than to be doing, she was the friend that had no problem telling me you shouldn't be doing that. She was the Friend that encouraged me when I made good decisions, instead of rebellious ones.. yet, stood by me even when I failed miserably! She was the friend who prayed for me, and her family was "that family" who ministered to me through example not preaching. They were as Welcoming to me, as Tammy was at a time in my life that I really needed that.
Summer ended, and Tammy went to a Bible College in Canada. I remember standing at the airport with her then boyfriend Jacob and her parents and putting her on a plane. Her mom said, "To think the two of you met at J.C. Penney's!". My heart sank that day, I had lost my running buddy and the one friend I had that was any good for me. She loved me as Jesus would have, and stood by me through all my stupid decisions. When most other Christians would have disconnected themselves.
After that life began to move pretty fast for us. I moved from Houston, to the Athens area to live with in the grasps of Jim Crye again. He had caught on that I was having the best time of my life with out him and decided to nip that in the bud! Tammy came home from Bible College and after breaking up with Jacob, swearing to never have anything to do with him again, and on one of my visits to Houston to see my Grandparents announced that she was marrying him. I remember my response being, "but I thought we didn't like Bob (what I call him) anymore." My heart sank some more, because now I was really really loosing my running buddy, but I always thought her and Jacob were meant to be so it could have been worst! I was counting my blessings that I was the one friend of Tammy's that he could stand.
Tammy and Jacob got married at 19, moved off to Kansas. In the mean time, I was busy falling in love with Adam. Adam and I get married on short notice, I remember Tammy calling to say she worked out getting to come to our Wedding, and I said, "Never mind we already did that!" That was a good laugh. We lost touch for about a year after that, do to moves and number changes. I was trying to get a hold of her parents, and she called my Grandparents to get my new number. We talk on the phone and catch up, come to find out her and Jacob had moved to Arlington. So, we decide to meet up. Sitting in Jason's Deli, we find out not only am I pregnant, but she's pregnant and it's twins!
So began our journey together as wives, and now mother's. Another huge blessing from God, was a friend to call and say is your baby doing this? The reassurance for a first time mom that some things are perfectly normal is priceless! Trenten, Haleigh, and Hannah were born exactly a week apart from each other. The journey of what woman struggle with within, has been much easier and sweeter going it together with Tammy.
The greatest battle to walk through together has been her struggle with cancer. During her unplanned and unexpected pregnancy with their son Drew who is a month older than Jonah, Dr.'s discovered a mass on Tammy's Pancreas, Liver, and Spleen that had to be removed with in a couple of weeks of delivering Drew. Talk about rocking your world. Having twin 19 month olds, a new born, and cancer. Yet, she handled it with such strength and Grace that could only come from God alone.
After nearly two years of waiting on weather treatment would be necessary or not, waiting for cancer cells to grow inside her body... a cystic mass shows up on an ovary. Now it's back to the drawing board, removing the cystic mass to see what it is... and yet the pillar of strength still stands. After watching a mother of three this weekend, hurting in pain but not willing to show it until the kids are asleep in the bed.. a mother who cries for her children not herself, that her children cry when she goes to Dr.'s offices or Hospitals because they worry the Dr.'s won't give their mommy back for a while. No three year old should fear that, or even have knowledge of hospitals and Dr.'s to the extent they do.
My Prayer, is for Healing for Tammy, Strength for her, Jacob, and all of her family to with stand the trial. For her children to have comfort and peace that only God can bring. Every time I start to doubt in my mind that God is bigger than all of this, I think of how precious a Gift Tammy is to everyone she comes in contact with... I just refuse to believe that God is done with her yet.
I can not Thank her enough for being the friend to me that she has been. I often describe our friendship as the female version of David and Johnathan in the Bible. One in Spirit since the day we met. I am so grateful for a friendship that blossomed out of J.C. Penney's ten years ago. The amount of trials that we have walked through together in our families, marriages, child raising, and life have been much easier together than they would have been apart. I am Thankful for the years of loud laughter, and good times that have accumulated.
I hope that each of you have a friend like Tammy that God has blessed you with to walk through Life together. I challenge you to take a moment to reflect on how Thankful you are for that person's place in your life tonight. We all take so much for granted each day, and God layed it on my heart not to let another day pass with out praising him for the gift of a True Friend.
Thank You Tammy for being the Awesome friend you are. The friend that can see my house a mess, take me to the ER with my eye infected, and letting me tell you anything knowing it goes no further than you and I. For always being encouraging, loving, honest, and straight to the point all in one beautiful package. Thank you for marrying a man who will put up with us, and allow us to be together... I know it's not an easy pill to swallow! Thank you for letting God shine through you always, and challenging me with out even knowing it to be more like that. Having everything on your plate, and others seeing Jesus in you is amazing. You are the Johnathan who gives his robe right off his back, and goes the extra mile with his sword, and belt. You make those around you feel like David, Shepard boys in the presence of royalty! You are an amazing woman, and you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Remember that in the weeks to come!
Until Next Time,
Julie
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