A Beautiful Reminder...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Jv1Hf2oCw&feature=player_detailpage

If any of you know me even the slightest I have 2 characteristics to my personality that can be used for greater good at times, but can also be a boil on the butt of anyone who is dealing with me. I have honestly just came to the realization in recent years that I do have some issues with being "in control" that daily require me to consciously make an effort to overcome. This issue can cause big walls between you and God as a Christian when you just can't make yourself let go and let God even when you really are trying.

My second issue is "being all things to all people at all costs". I have learned so much about this in the last 6 weeks. God has really taken me on a journey of realizing and overcoming that you just can't be all things to all people that's his job not mine! I have realized recently also that many closest to me have paid a greater cost in my need to make everyone happy. The juggling act crumbled, but God was there. Reminding me of his perfect plan for my life and for my family.

Yet, today another journey the Lord delivered me through. A minor surgery with Doctor Ehmer to remove Endometrial tissue that once in there with their camera could see was nearly on every surface of my female organs and all the cracks and crevices between. I had been told before surgery based on the severity a partial or full hysterectomy were possible. After 6 weeks of contemplating what that would mean as far as never being able to have any more children, what it would all be like afterward. Last night I felt a little anxious and saddened. The planner and control freak in me had finances lined out through February, the grocery shopping done, plans for my 2 closest girlfriends to be here for my boys immediately if anything were to go wrong. Adam covered in anyway possible to make things easier on him after my surgery. Then last night after reading Phil. 4-9 I was reminded my anxiousness was for nothing, that all I needed was to present my requests before the Lord and he would hear me. He would send me peace that passes understanding.

The scriptures were right, I was ready this morning and had peace. I can't Thank those who have prayed for me recently enough, I know with out it I would have been a big ball of nerves. I wanted to share Phil 4-9 and this song by Kari Jobe that radiated in my heart before the surgery, through the surgery, and after. I hope it is a Beautiful reminder for you as well as for me about what its really all about, and how BLESSED we really are. I hope you enjoy!
Until Next Time,
Julie

Kari Jobe Beautiful Lyrics
Here before your alter
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden
Everything that's of myself

I just want to wait on you, my God
I just want to dwell on who you are

Chorus:
Beautiful, Beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, Beautiful
Oh Lord your beautiful to me

Here in your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
To wash your feet with humble tears
I would be poured out til' nothings left

And I just want to wait on you, my God
I just want to dwell on who You are

Chorus Again

Holy, holy, Holy, You are, you are 4x

Chorus Last time!

The Long Road...

This week God has reminded me in several ways about how He always has his hand upon us, and how His Plan is the Perfect Plan. I have always struggled with this. I have learned thus far in my life that I like to control my life too much, and I miss out on many Blessings from above because I'm trying to control everything instead of letting go and letting God.

This week so much has happened in this area I could Blog about. I resigned from leading the Wednesday night Children's Program at church which was extremely difficult for me personally. My other responsibilities in life have become to demanding to continue on, yet I worried Who else would do it if not me. This Wednesday night out of the blue a girl who is 14 came and volunteered to help lead Games in our Department on Wednesday nights. My last Wednesday, and God delivered. For it was someone who I could not see coming, but God has an ultimate plan and will always provide.

The stories of how God nudged me this week could go on and on, but none were greater than this Thursday at a Doctor Appointment I had put off as long as I could knowing the verdict would not be what I wanted. Dr. Ehmer and I go way back. I came to him as a 19 year old girl who had suffered for 3 years with female problems. Another doctor wanted to take at least one ovary out. Dr. E as I call him fought to keep it, and give me the chance to become a Mother one day. I looked at him hurting and with tears in my eyes at 19 and said, "Can we just try anything so that I can have a child of my own one day... just one." So we did. No surgeries just medications, and a long painful 4 years later Miracle Baby #1 Blessed our lives. He came from the very ovary another doctor wanted to rid me of, the only ovary that I have that does anything from time to time.



Our family was complete. If God never allowed us another I had one handsome little man who I couldn't love anymore. Just as Dr. E suspected he helped rid me of large ovarian cysts that ruptured and caused extreme pain. We Thanked God for the One Baby every doctor before said would never be possible.

Then Surprise. A year later no fertility treatments, no planning at all Miracle Baby # 2 is conceived. This was really never supposed to happen, a pregnancy with out fertility drugs, so I never doubted the entire pregnancy that God was up to something big here. When he was born and landed in the NICU on a ventilator at 9 lbs. I never doubted that God would bring him through, he wasn't done with him yet. I am so Glad he wasn't because this one changed the whole dynamic of our little family from the day he came home.



I remember after my C-Section they let my mom back to talk to me in recovery because Adam was with Jonah on the way to NICU. My mom couldn't understand why I didn't let him tie my tubes while he was in there. I answered, "because Mom I just want to try one more time for a Girl." She replied, "Your crazy.. with everything you've been through and both deliveries have been rough why do that to yourself?" I said, "Stop and think of your life with out me for a second and then tell me its not worth it." She said no more ever again about my quest for a Third baby. Even though it has seemed crazy to plenty of people including my husband at times.

I thought Miracle # 3 was possible and on its way in June. Until the Lord had a different plan, and yes the control freak in me has definitely struggled with this. I can only say it is the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced to have no control or way to Stop a miscarriage. You just have to endure and then pick your self up and move on with a smile because people don't like to see you with out one. Regardless of what you feel like inside, regardless of weather you think in March I should have had a newborn to hold, and that's not going to happen now. It is definitely something only God can carry you through, nothing you can do on your own. Sadly it's not something you are over in a month either, I don't know when you really get over it because I'm not there yet. I do know that I found great peace in giving her a name, instead of referring to it as "the miscarriage" or "it". My gut tells me it would have been a girl, although it was to early to tell. Everything about the pregnancy was different from day 1 than the boys pregnancies... so that's my opinion. So we named her Adlie. Half Adam's name half my name. Pronounced "Adlee" if that helps. A name we considered for a girl, although Adam really wanted Abigail.

Four months have passed, and as far as my female organs go I am a mess. Trenten fixed me temporarily, Jonah gave me some issues here and there, but Adlie has reeked havoc on me to sum it up nicely. Dr. E believes the pain is endometriosis now, and has put me on 2 medications for this. He is giving the medications 6 weeks to make me feel like a new woman or surgery it is. It has been a long road leading to this point, one that he has held my hand for 10 years now through. I cried as we discussed the possibility of a hysterectomy because even though at this fork in the road I know that is best it is hard to have your female organs removed and KNOW you will never have another child. Yet there is peace here. I love that I have a Christian doctor who can say to me, we prayed for one miracle and God blessed you with two... what more could you ask for.

I have peace that there are many ways to be a mother. God has blessed our family with the witness of that through the 7 over the past 4 months also. Do I think it is by coincidence that all of that runs together. I do not. I have been reminded that there are lots of great kids who need someone to love them and teach them right here in our community. So if I have a hysterectomy does that mean I will never have a 3rd... I don't believe so. This is where I find my peace. In that the Lord has a perfect plan not only for me, but for my family, and although it is unknown I need not worry for it is in the Masters Hands!

Our Journey together has Only Just Begun...







They have been worth every moment along the Long Road!

Until Next Time,
Julie

Just a Voice...

I am just a Voice of someone I used to know
Hushed silent...
although at times feeling like I'm screaming
at the top of my lungs in my own little sound proof box.
No matter how hard I try to beat the walls of my box down away from me
to free myself from my tourment they stand firmly in place
Like a solid rock unable to be moved.

No one can hear me.
I say the same things over and over but none in my world acknowledge them.
Who am I?
Just a whisper drifting through their lives in the wind.

Is it selfish to even want to be heard? My life is not my own...
The pain of the uncomfortable silence cuts deep
Wounds fester, bleed deep beneath the surface...
Yet, we throw a band-aid over them and say, "that's done."
My wounds are gapping open, my sores are fresh...
Yet the one who should be my nurse throws salt in my wounds...

Maybe I should surcume and give up the fight.
Maybe the life of a deaf, dumb, blind, mute should be the life for me.
Why do I bother!!!
Maybe this is the dumbest thing I've ever wrote, for sure the ugliest...
Maybe it just had to be done!
Maybe its late and I should just go to bed....

The Accumulation...

Accumulation \Ac*cu`mu*la"tion\, n. [L. accumulatio; cf. F. accumulation.]

1. The act of accumulating, the state of being accumulated, or that which is accumulated; as, an accumulation of earth, of sand, of evils, of wealth, of honors. [1913 Webster]

2. (Law) The concurrence of several titles to the same proof. [1913 Webster]

Accumulation of energy or power, the storing of energy by means of weights lifted or masses put in motion; electricity stored.


The trials and tribulations that Adam and I have entered with in the last couple of months are what we call "The Accumulation". It has been a stage of being accumulated that's for sure. There has been a lot of energy and power and masses put into motion during this process. There has definitely been a lot of electricity stored.

The issues haven't been anything new. Either issues swept under the rug and ignored until they couldn't be anymore. The majority simply the inevitable catching us completely unprepared. Events in life hitting all at once, and nothing you can do to stop them or control them. For me, the control freak a breaking point. Circumstances out of my control do not mix well with the need to fix everything.

First went Adam's car, then the water heater, then my truck had to have 2 new tires because something sliced mine apart. It's life events at the worst time. The no money no savings time. The weight of these burdens pushes down on the adults in the household. The bickering begins. The saying things you can't take back, and after a while of this beating each other down routine you look at each other and say these dreaded words. "What are we doing here? Is there anything worth saving?" While 2 little boys look at you with eyes begging that you do.

Then comes the Bottom. Rock bottom that is. For some the fall is further than it is for others to reach but the destination is the same. The state of emotions, thoughts, anger, bitterness, and frustration that come with this place are unbelievable. You will never know until you have been there. What you learn in life here is significant, and I hope and pray what we take away is even greater. It's not like Adam and I were Millionaires who lost everything, we have never lived far off the bottom to tell you the truth.

When we were first married we lived off Adam's $6.00 an hour job, while I attempted Nursing School and worked when I could on weekends which wasn't often. This started the accumulation long ago. I failed, and we went on Adam changed careers and so did I. We've brought 2 beautiful boys into the world, and have lived pay check to pay check with none left over the entire time. No room for the unexpected's in life, and sitting back watching and saying eventually this is going to get us. Eventually something is going to break and cost us big and we will be in a hole with no way out.

That day has come. The juggling act with the bills since disaster struck can be done no more. The hole has been dug, and now we must do what we need to do to get out of it. This is where it really gets hard. This is where the Marriage was really tested, and Satan was alive and well. I'm having to do thing I don't necessarily WANT to do. So is Adam. I dug my heels in and refused in the beginning, and even said "if that's my options you go your way and I'll go mine." but God got a hold of me. I was reminded that Jesus didn't want to carry the cross and die on it. He pleaded with his Father any other way Father than this? BUT when he knew it was the only way he did it, and he did it not for himself but for us.

So, we are moving this week to a house off of East Dewey. We live off of West Dewey now so I am calling it the Journey of how far the East truly is from the West, you know like the song. This will help in repairing our financial situation, and get our financial plan in place that we are unable to do here. Basically we are going to act our wage! Which isn't much. The prize is getting me through school in two years, and that will be our focus where we are going. So that once I am finished we may have a somewhat normal stable flow in life that we have never been able to have.

We hope to begin moving Tuesday, and covenant your prayers as this will be difficult. I am in the Middle of 4 Classes this semester, 2 are Internet and so it will be chaotic moving let alone trying to keep my classes from getting behind in the process. Pray for the adjustment as a family. Trent has lived here since he was a year old. He doesn't remember any where else. Jonah was brought home from the hospital here. Trent is not very excited about moving so far, but I know they will probably adjust easier than Adam and I. Pray for our Marriage if you are willing. We are so grateful for all who have rallied around us during this difficult time. After this weekend we have the Hope for the first time in a while that our Marriage is not going to be the payment for our mess ups. We have to pull through this together. Yet any married couple knows this is easier said then done at times.

I want to leave you with this, a little something I learned this weekend for if your Marriage is struggling or you are having Financial difficulties as well:
"Bad is Bad but it can be the beginning of something Great!"

Until Next Time,
Julie

A Village to Raise A Child...

Surely we've all heard that saying, " It takes a Village to Raise a Child.." I can recall times in my young parenting life when I thought that made no sense. Everyone in the Village should be able to handle there own children not depend on everyone else for help. Now, remember I said my young parenting years when Trenten was a baby who just laid there and did nothing but eat, sleep, and poop.

With the first week of school coming to an end I could Blog countless stories about my week at school, about Trenten's first week as a big Pre-Ker, and Jonah's first Time out at Daycare. Yet, it's the family Birthday party Friday night out at my parents farm that fills my heart with so many emotions I have to Blog about it.

To start off we just thought we were Village material when we use to all get together with the 5 little ones. My brothers and I have 5 children between us. Kaleb 4, Trenten 4, Jonah 2, Autumn 2, Emma 2. As you can tell we like doing things together spread out would be boring! Between us, our spouse's, our little one's, and our grandparents that come to the family birthday parties it was already quite the house full. Add in the 7 joyful children my parents are now caring for(who's names will be used as initials in this Blog) and there is no doubt or denying the Village scenario!

We had 3 births to celebrate last night my nephew Kaleb's, "S" one of the 7, and my Grandmother who is now called Grandma Jo by the 7 we've all taken a liking to her new name and are using it some ourselves. I have to say that every time I'm around these kiddos I learn something new, my heart is touched in another way that I didn't know possible, and its all so hard to express in words for me.

My parents had balloons everywhere, 3 cakes (one for each person) all different flavors, and food for everyone. Each and every one of the 7 were so excited you would have thought it was their birthday. For my Nephew Kaleb who is only 4 this was a normal routine for him. Yet, for the others it was like watching a kid for the first time on Christmas. They were all anxious to see what everyone was opening, and getting so excited over every gift as if it was their own.

After all the food, presents, and cake all the kiddos went outside to play together. I sat on the deck and watched from a distance as a little girl who just got a bike for her Birthday was so excited she pushed it around parts of the yard where the grass was too thick for her to ride it over and over and over again. I watch the oldest boy "C" settle disputes over who's turn it was to swing and even line the little one's up to wait their turn as he pushed each of the kids on the tree swing.

I watched as my Nephew Kaleb learned from "Z" how to jump off the swing set while swinging mid air and land. A little scary at 4, but he was so proud when he accomplished it like the older boys. I helped "Se" who had an injury on his foot that needed doctoring. Apparently a scrap on his foot from a couple days ago that got infected. It had been hurting him for a while, but he didn't tell anyone. A common character trait for this child. He never complains about a thing!

I watched my dad's soft side as he let little "C" attempt to dress him up with a flowery lay and play itsy bitsy spider on his face. All of us kids got a good laugh when we got to watch my dad discipline two of the 7, which consisted of sending them to their bed for a time out. My brother joked with little "R" that he almost came to get in the bed with him because he thought my dad was talking to him he use to get sent to bed so much. Which made little "R" laugh and feel better.

In a whole I guess what I'm trying to say is so many people see what is being done for these 7 kids, but I just wanted people to see a glimpse of what the 7 kids are giving to us. They have reminded me every time I am around them what a gift love and family can be. They remind me what a blessing our children are to us and how we shouldn't take that for granted. I have the joy of watching my family work together like I've never witnessed before. Like a Village Raising a Child I guess you could say.

Everyone jumps in and is desperate to find a way to help take some of the load of my parents. Weather it's being a waitress like my Sister-in-law Jessica and taking hot dog orders to keep the kiddos from raiding the kitchen, all of us working together to refill drinks, keep kids from getting injured, or running off to far in to their wide open spaces the farm provides. It's family time like we've never experienced before, very different but good for all of us. I am Thanking God for this opportunity, not just for me personally but for our entire family as a whole.

Until Next Time,
Julie

Love & Family....

I already know that I am so blessed to be able to put those two words together. "Love & Family" that is. There are so many people and children a like who today can not describe their childhood or family lives in general as loving. God is taking our family on a journey teaching us more about Love and Family than I honestly ever believed personally possible.

If anyone would have told me 5-10 years ago that my parents would be Foster Parents. I would have laughed and said, "Sure thing". If they would have told me that they would be the Foster Parents of 7 children, I would have said "You must have the wrong folks." Not because my parents aren't capable or loving enough. Just because I never saw my parents doing this sort of thing. They rejoiced when I moved out of their home ten years ago, and they didn't go around saying "Oh' how about getting some more kids.." anytime after that I assure you. My brother Matthew was fairly easy to raise if a child could be labeled that. Mark and I not so much. So, my parents had already paid their dues.

I have watched my parents over the last several weeks become parents again to 7 youngens. Each child is precious and definitely has a personality all there own. My parents didn't do this for money, fame, or fortune. They did it to follow what they felt God calling them to do. I know it has to be of God because where else would they get the patience, strength, perseverance, wisdom, and love for these 7 children.

I have heard many people question weather you can love a child that is not your own? I have even had people ask me in our ventures to Foster on our own how you can let strangers into your home, and treat them the same as your own children. After this experience with my parents I ask how can you not? You can't help but love them, you can't help but want to help them. You can't help but want to get to know them more and more. They're quite hilarious actually. This experience has been eye opening for not just the adults in our family but the children in the family too. Trenten and Jonah play with the kiddos and have already built relationships with them. They look forward to family time together like they do with any of their cousins. I'm grateful that at a young age my children are seeing a witness as how to love and care for others beside yourself.

I am also so grateful for a church who is so loving and supportive. My brothers and I had our concerns in the beginning about our parents taking on 7 kids. Our concerns were that they would just get worn out quicker than they realized. Kids in your 20's and 30's is a lot different than kids in your 50's no offense intended. Our church has stepped up and loved on them in unbelievable ways. Casserole upon Casserole has been sent to help keep my mother from cooking all the time. Clothes, beds, bedding, etc. has been donated to help out. It makes such a huge difference to have such a wonderful support group behind you in situations like this. So Thank You to all who have helped or prayed for them.

I am grateful to my parents for stepping up and following their heart on this when a lot of people might have thought they were crazy. We are all learning from this situation, and I am so grateful for the reminder of how LOVE bears all things and Believes all things, & the greatest thing we can do is LOVE!

Until Next Time,
Julie

The Journey...

My last post was in May. Not from lack of time, although it has been a busy Summer. More so, because I have so much in my mind and heart good and bad that I didn't know how much I should let out. So following my own advice from my last post, I found it best to not say anything at the time. It has been an eventful nearly three months to say the least. I'm not sure really where to even start talking about this Journey I have been on both inward and outward.
It has been a Summer filled with emotion. Some I still have not been able to work all the way through which is okay. God is with me and I am so grateful for that. I have really been hung up for some time now on "THE CALL" in my life. Some of you may have read an early post by me where I discussed the long time desire to stay home with my two little boys and where my "Call" fits into all of that.
I wish that I was writing you today saying ladies I have found all the answers, but I haven't. If anything I feel today that "my calling" is not one specific thing, but an area that is wide and has many needs and ways to serve. Now, I have to sort through this with God and figure out where and how I belong. I know the Journey on this is long from over.
In June, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought God was lining everything up and in order. I could see where and how things were going. I have always had the strong desire to stay home with my children, yet the reality of that has always been unrealistic due to the need for health insurance for our family, and many other factors that I could list on and on. I learned today in a sermon based out of Luke 9 that I'm a lot like the people who say Jesus I want to follow you, BUT first let me tend to this or that. Jesus says, no if you want to follow me take up your cross daily and come on right now. Not do all these other things first.
I bet you think you know where I'm going with this but I bet your wrong. I have listened to sermon after sermon over the summer about following "the call" and how its supposed to be clear to you what that is, doors are supposed to open to make it possible. Then this pastor today says, when you hold the plow and look back and around at everything else that's going on trying to control things in your life you are of no use to God. I'm like you just hit me on the head, thank you so much!
I have the strong desire to be with MY kids, to stay home with MY kids, but over the summer I have been reminded of 2 important lessons. They are not MY kids, they were God's first and he blessed me with them for the time being and its borrowed time. Secondly, there are so many other kids needing a Godly witness, to hear about Jesus, and just be loved by me and what better example to set for my children than its not all about me or them, but about others.
A lot has happened over the Summer so far to open my eyes to this. See, a year and a half ago I was working for my dad making decent money and able to take my kids to work with me. It was great, BUT I felt God dealing with my heart that I had forsaken the Call on my life to work with children. I began to pray for forgiveness first, then for the opportunity for where God wanted me with this. The next Sunday at church they announced they needed help in the Children's Department because one of their workers was due to have a baby any time. I continued to pray, saying God I was thinking more like youth age... but he wouldn't let it go. So, I went to the Children's Minister Allison secretly hoping the spot would have already been filled by another volunteer. Try not to laugh to hard! I've been there ever since, but I have loved every minute of it. Even getting pies thrown in my face!
A few months in to working in the Wednesday night Children's program at church God kept dealing with me that I wasn't where he wanted me. I kept praying for him to reveal to me where it was he wanted me, and God spoke to me in a dream. Don't get freaked out or anything he does it all the time! The dream was Kacey Holt coming up to me during our Wednesday night routine and telling me they were hiring for a position at the school in Malakoff. The next day was Wednesday. So, that night I waited all through our program for Kasey to come up and say something to me and she didn't. So, I called her aside and told her about my dream and asked her if she knew of anything along those lines. Kasey said no, but she would keep it in mind. The next morning she called and said while she was making copies she saw a job posting for a job at the Middle School in the office.
So, I applied, needless to say I didn't get that job.. but I was in the top 3 they told me. I was disappointed, but somehow(Beverly) my application was sent to the Tool Campus when a job came open over there. Long story short they hired me for a very difficult but rewarding job of working one on one with violent students for the past year. Needless to say I learned a lot! I really felt like God used me through out the year also.
Then comes Summer, it had been a crazy school year and all I wanted was my boys. I have thoroughly enjoyed my one on one time with them. Through all my prayers for God to open doors for me to stay home next year, none have been opened. In June I found out that I was pregnant with our third child. I took that as God sealing the deal on me needing to stay home for several reasons. I didn't know how everything was going to pan out exactly but I've had complicated pregnancies in the past and Adam and I both felt it was a bad idea to return to work being as how I had done bed rest in the past and so on. If I hadn't worked for my dad during my pregnancies I probably wouldn't have had a job. Then, the daycare expenses, diaper expenses, it would just be cheaper to stay home at this point! Then on June 29th I had a miscarriage. God has been good, he has given us peace, support, and love beyond measure. Through this Journey I wondered what God was wanting from me, and when I would know. God has already used this experience in my life to help another woman going through the same, the other answers you search for in a situation like this you may never know.
In the middle of all of this my parents became Foster Parents to 7 of the most precious children I have ever known. It has long been a desire of my heart to Foster Parent myself and Adam and I were actually going through the process before finding out about the pregnancy. Then, we weren't sure due to lack of space in our home weather we should continue the process because we weren't sure they would give us any Foster Children now. Now, we are in the process of becoming the Respite Care for my parents and excited about how God is going to use us and what he is going to teach not only us but our entire family through the experience.
Then I took the kids from church to camp for a week in July. A lot came out of that week but the biggest for me was the reminder through those kids how I might be right where I need to be. It might be my selfish desires for what I want to do to do anything differently, but really God needs me to stay right where I am. A year ago this girl was jumping for joy that she landed a job where she might get beat up everyday because it was the opportunity to work with kids and where she felt God wanted her. Maybe I need to find that girl again.
That is where I am at today, and my thoughts today. It's a Journey though, and I am anxious to see what God is doing, but it is on his timing not mine. My prayer is to not be holding the plow paying attention to everything else but what God is doing with me. I want to grab on and ride like the wind bulls eye straight ahead, focused and clear! It's a Journey though...

Until Next Time,
Julie