My Boys

My Boys

Friday, April 23, 2010

Struggling Point...

I don't know when it started, if I could recall the exact moment... but it has. Was it today when they came through work handing out packets showing our insurance costs are going to double for next year? Leaving me officially bringing home nothing, working for insurance, child care, and gas to work. Was it early in the week, when Adam was in the Hospital with Pneumonia and thinking straight on literally minutes of sleep instead of hours just wasn't possible. Was it tonight when I watched my husband with great disappointment send an E-Mail to notify the City of Carrollton that he would be unable to attend their testing tomorrow due to not being well enough to perform the physical adgility round of testing. I'm not really sure when it was, but all of my emotions have caught up to me and I am undoubtedly struggling.
All I can think to do is Pray, and write... writing seems to help me work through what I'm thinking and feeling more so than talking. I wish I had a way to see ahead into what God is doing here. I wish I knew why he was throwing us one curve ball after another? I really want to ask why all in one week! Yet, I laugh through my tears because in all this mess I know that I know that I know God is here, and he's in control. I wish I could PLAN, I would plan a party at this point just to feel like I could plan something in life again because God has flipped my planning basket upside down! As a woman, THIS SUCKS! As a christian IT SUCKS, but in a good/bad way because it is making me rely and grow with God in ways I never have before.
In this past week I have experienced strength through him I never knew I could possibly possess! I know I need to be praising him, but I just keep struggling with the what am I going to do? What are we going to do? How bad is it going to get? Kind of thoughts. This is some more of that real me you may not be able to handle, but it is where I'm at tonight. I pray for a better tomorrow!
Until Next Time,

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Coca- Cola VS. Sprite in Life...

One Summer, my father inflicted great suffering on all of his children when he came up with the idea to vacation with his boss, his bosses wife, and their one and only daughter. When I say one and only, believe me you knew it with in the first five minutes of meeting her. From the time I was five, my father had constantly made me "be friends" with this girl. I didn't usually have a problem being friends with anyone, but for some reason this brat and I had a hard time clicking.
It wasn't just me, my brothers couldn't stand her either. Everything she did aggravated the mess out of the two of them. Yet, my father strongly encouraged us that we would be nice anyway. So we set off across country in a motor home for two weeks with the biggest selfish bratty princess this country has encountered. If the majority of the group was going one way, she was going the other I assure you. Once her mom and dad realized she was going the other way, they would go the other way with her. If we voted to stop at Whataburger, she voted Burger King that California had plenty of. If we were assigned chores, princess wasn't. If we slept outside in a sleeping bag, princess had a bed indoors. Finally to reach my point, if we drank coke she had to have Sprite.
My mom refused to buy fifty different kind of sodas for everyone. All the adults drank diet coke, all of us kids other than princess drank coke. Princess refused to drink coke, and even cried at a meal because she didn't have anymore sprite to drink. Which was like the straw that broke the camels back for my brothers and I. Of course, her parents rallied around her. They suggested Princess explain to the group why she refused to drink colored sodas anymore. So princess explained that when you drink darker colored sodas she read in a study that it dyes your intestines dark over time. Yet, if you drink sodas with no color your intestines stay a nice healthy pinkish white color which was important to her health wise.
We listened carefully as she explained her concerns over a dark colored soda, and in classic Julie Crye fashion I replied, "Are you planning on seeing your intestines any time soon? Cause' I'm not, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll make my whole life with out examining my own intestines!" Needless to say the rest of the vacation was even funner than it had been up to that point, and yes Princess got her Sprite!
Don't ask me why, but the other day this crossed my mind. How much my life resembles my attitude of drinking Coca- Cola. Yes, I still do, when I do chose to have some caffeine. If anyone ever saw my intestines one day, I'm sure it would be the most dark, nasty, disgusting, repelling, vile sight anyone had ever experienced. Yet, the chances of anyone beyond a doctor with expertise in the intestinal area seeing my intestines is slim to none, so I rarely ever think, worry, or take measures to insure my intestines will be pretty when and if they do.
I thought of how much sin, and just stuff I have in my life, mind, and heart right now that is dark, nasty, disgusting, repelling, and vile if I ever let it out for anyone to see. If I opened my mouth enough to say more than I actually do (I know isn't that scary, can u imagine me even more tell it like it is!). I think if people really knew me, my thoughts, my fears, and all my really deep imperfections they would probably walk away and not talk to me anymore, probably even remove me as a friend from their face book page. Maybe a fake smile here or there in passing, but that's as good as it would get.
The truth is sometimes I scare myself, I'm like, "did I just think that?" or "did I just say that?" Yep, it's stinkier than poop sometimes. I know that my true cleansing doesn't come from some Go-lightly, or by drinking Sprite to keep my intestines "pretty". It comes through my hungry and thirsty times with God. When I cling to him, and try and wait patiently to hear from him on which direction to go. God is CONSTANTLY at work in cleansing me, refocusing my extreme multitasking spirit to what is important to him. Sometimes I throw tantrums like a only child Princess I once knew myself, but with God. I even questioned him this week on if he remembered me and my dreams?
Yeah... remember that say what you think mentality I was talking about earlier. I do it with God too, which is not so smart most of the time. He answered quickly though. It's funny how God works, and how stupid we his sheep can be. He answered me, and I'm still sitting here saying was that you answering me Lord, or is this just a big coincidence! I know in my heart what he's saying, I'm just scared of it, and scared to believe that's what he wants from me. There is some of that nasty stuff coming out, that people don't know what to do with.
This is me, I guarantee you over the next couple of months you will see some of this journey God is taking me on. You may not want to, what I say might upset you, you might not agree with... but it's what I'm thinking as God deals with my heart and changes my life. Sometimes to get to a finished product, you have to wade through some crap!
Until next time,