I don't know when it started, if I could recall the exact moment... but it has. Was it today when they came through work handing out packets showing our insurance costs are going to double for next year? Leaving me officially bringing home nothing, working for insurance, child care, and gas to work. Was it early in the week, when Adam was in the Hospital with Pneumonia and thinking straight on literally minutes of sleep instead of hours just wasn't possible. Was it tonight when I watched my husband with great disappointment send an E-Mail to notify the City of Carrollton that he would be unable to attend their testing tomorrow due to not being well enough to perform the physical adgility round of testing. I'm not really sure when it was, but all of my emotions have caught up to me and I am undoubtedly struggling.
All I can think to do is Pray, and write... writing seems to help me work through what I'm thinking and feeling more so than talking. I wish I had a way to see ahead into what God is doing here. I wish I knew why he was throwing us one curve ball after another? I really want to ask why all in one week! Yet, I laugh through my tears because in all this mess I know that I know that I know God is here, and he's in control. I wish I could PLAN, I would plan a party at this point just to feel like I could plan something in life again because God has flipped my planning basket upside down! As a woman, THIS SUCKS! As a christian IT SUCKS, but in a good/bad way because it is making me rely and grow with God in ways I never have before.
In this past week I have experienced strength through him I never knew I could possibly possess! I know I need to be praising him, but I just keep struggling with the what am I going to do? What are we going to do? How bad is it going to get? Kind of thoughts. This is some more of that real me you may not be able to handle, but it is where I'm at tonight. I pray for a better tomorrow!
Until Next Time,