My Boys

My Boys

Friday, September 23, 2011

Today... September 24th, 2011

Today my Dad would have turned the Big 55. I would have made him another gigantic Ding Dong Cake and we would have all gathered together to celebrate. The Lord had different plans for our family today though, and although we dont like it we are learning what life is like to live with out the big man with a big heart.

Memories flood my mind of him, they have all week. I cant say sitting in a hospital room with no escape has made it easier. I dread the day Eli James will be born to a degree because he wont be here for it. I just can't imagine what that will be like birthing his name sake and him missing it.

I can imagine if he were here, he would be thrilled over the new IN&OUT right up the road, and come to see me just to get some. I can imagine that Dr. Ehmer would have called him a few times by now to "Have my dad come sit on me and tell me to hush." In doctor Ehmers words.

Yet, none of this was meant to be. I guess I wrestle with that on some days. It's still hard to believe he's never coming back, and we have to wait for our turn in heaven to see him again. I'm glad today I can remember the big man with a big heart, and cherish the memories he left behind of 54 years well lived. I love and miss you Dad everyday.

Until Next Time,

Saturday, June 4, 2011

1 week, 7 days, 168 hours...

So, we have made it through the first week, the first 7 days, and the first 168 hours with out my dad. I can honestly say I do not know how people who do not know the Lord, survive loss of this magnitude. It is a hurt a constant pain in your heart and gut like I have never experienced or known. I know time eases all pain, and that the Lord will bring us all through. That doesn't mean I keep from thinking of him constantly, and replaying the past week over and over through my head.

Yes, I believe the Lord knows the time and place he will call us home from the moment he puts us on this earth. I believe with out hesitation that the moment my dad left us, he was standing in Heaven. I have undoubted faith of the promise we will be reunited again. Yet, it's getting through all the weeks, days, and hours until then that seems unfathomable.

I watch my mom, and worry about her being alone. That is when my heart breaks all over again, to watch her alone. My parents were always together, they worked together, farmed together, and took on 7 kids together. It just seems unnatural for her to be alone.

I replay last Saturday over and over in my head. I wish that when my Dad called to say he was sick, and I was there at the shop with my mom that I would have gone with her although she told me to stay and keep the shop open for her. My gut was telling me he was more than heat sick this time. I talked her through CPR on the phone when she called me panicked not knowing what to do. I wish I would have been there to do it for her. Yet, I know in my heart regardless of what anyone would have done different he still wouldn't be here today, it would have just made me feel better.

I read my Bible at least every morning if not more through out the day, searching for words of comfort and peace. I found this scripture today that made me think of his life and how he lived it.
1 Timothy 4:5-6
5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.
6 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

My dad undoubtedly is still everywhere I go. Everywhere I look at the farm, I see memories of him. My favorite way to aggravate him, was to raid his fridge shortly after arriving for his Claussin Pickles. He kept regular off brand hamburger Dill pickles on hand for kids and other company. The Claussin Pickles were his and everyone knew it. I just disregarded the rule. I would eat them all or just leave him one, so the next time he went to make a sandwich he would think of me as he yelled about me eating all his pickles. I went out to babysit the 7 for him and my mom not to long ago, when I raided the fridge for the pickles, he came up and said, "You know the kids pickles are in the door?" I replied, "Oh'... Well, good thing I'm an adult now." He grinned and went on, as I continued to finish off his jar of pickles!

I drove his 15 passenger van for the first time yesterday. 3 packs of Marlboro Red box, an empty Diet Coke bottle, and a note pad with directions he wrote down to somewhere all sitting in the console. Oldies radio blaring, because he was so hard of hearing.Yet, you don't want to change anything you just want to leave it as he had it.

He is at my home too, we had a lot of family gatherings at my house. My favorite was Trenten's Birthday in January when he stole the action figure off his cake, that my dad and I had just argued over him letting Trenten stick his finger in to get icing off of. The next weekend when Trenten went to the farm it was hanging from the light over the dining room table. He lived to aggravate!

The Shop is another place he is everywhere. The last time I saw my Dad alive was standing in the kitchen where I bake and decorate cakes. The first person I wanted to show my magnetic car signs and business cards was him when they came in the mail yesterday. He would have thought they were pretty neat, and been glad I was finally doing something to seriously launch my cake business.

I guess you can say the last week, 7 days, or 168 hours have been the longest of my life. It has seemed unreal, and like a bad dream you just can't get yourself to wake up from. Writing helps, and staying in the word, along with lots of prayers from people who love us. Yet, we have to look ahead to how to get through the next week, the next 7 days, the next 168 hours with out him.

Until Next time,

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Not Your Typical Father-Daughter Duo...

Many of you know that today my family suffered a major loss. We lost my Dad to what is believed at this point to be a massive heart attack. We will know more in the days to come. We have lost our Rock, our go to guy, our constant pillar of strength in every way.

Any of you who know me, know I have to write at times like these it's all I can do to process everything running through my mind at high speeds. It's not always my wisest decision, but tonight it is what I need.

We were not your typical Father-Daughter duo. I was not Daddy's little princess, I was his worm face. A title I became accustomed to over the years that typical girls would not. We didn't go to Father daughter dances, we found that lame and weird in our opinions that were also always the "right" opinions, but not necessarily the "same" opinion.

We both refused to acknowledge any resemblance of each other, especially when it came to how we behaved or the manner in which we spoke our minds. We butted heads more often than any 2 other people in the family, it was our own way of communication.

Even though we were not your typical father-daughter duo, we were a duo. I learned more from him in the last 5 years, than total of the 24 years before that. I learned good business sense, and that business is business as I ran the office end of the business he had built for 3 years.

I learned the most when I became a mother, and I witnessed him as "Papaw" for the first time. I learned that no matter how much I insisted we were nothing alike, that no 2 people could be more the same. I got to see the big hearted side of him for the first time, he hid from me all the years growing up because he felt the need to be stern not soft. We were able to bond through my children.

I have thought all day of the times we wasted bickering and being Jim and Julie Crye. I thought of all the things I'd like to take back or do-over. Yet we all know, there are no do-overs in life. I thought of the good times we had, and how much I will miss him everyday, and my children will as well. It is hard to be at their house, because I keep looking for him to come stomping in the back door any minute.

I wish we would have said "I love you" more. I hope he knew how much I did love him, how much we all loved him. I am glad I can re-call every time he told me he loved me, and every time he told me he was proud of me because those were words he didn't give away often. Yet in my heart, I know he loved me tremendously, I know he was proud, he was my dad and I was his only daughter.

He was so many things, to so many people. I am glad I got to witness all God had preformed in his life lately. I am so glad that I had a father who loved the Lord, and Served so diligently. If nothing else, I know I learned from his example here. I was always in awe of the way he followed God's call with out hesitation.

I know I learned so much from him, a strong work ethic, how to care for others, and serve others. He was a big man, with a big heart. I loved him so much despite all our bull headedness.... I was one of the blessed few to call him Dad.

He will undoubtedly be missed by all who knew him, I find great joy in the fact that where he is there is no more pain, no more fear, and he is rejoicing with the loved ones who have gone on before him. He is with his brother, his grandparents, and many friends. We are here, but I know I have a promise of seeing him again one day. I will miss his smile, his loud laugh I believe I inherited, and his contagious personality. I will miss watching him as "Papaw" in action taking my boys to feed pigs,the endless tractor rides, stealing Trenten's action figures just to aggravate, and giving my boys rough bucking bull rides on his back.

So even though we weren't the typical Father- Daughter duo, we were a duo indeed. I will love you and miss you dearly dad until we get to meet again. There is no arguing in heaven over who is right, or who is more stubborn so I hope you got it all out of your system while you were here. I love you dad!

Love Your one and only daughter,