So, we have made it through the first week, the first 7 days, and the first 168 hours with out my dad. I can honestly say I do not know how people who do not know the Lord, survive loss of this magnitude. It is a hurt a constant pain in your heart and gut like I have never experienced or known. I know time eases all pain, and that the Lord will bring us all through. That doesn't mean I keep from thinking of him constantly, and replaying the past week over and over through my head.
Yes, I believe the Lord knows the time and place he will call us home from the moment he puts us on this earth. I believe with out hesitation that the moment my dad left us, he was standing in Heaven. I have undoubted faith of the promise we will be reunited again. Yet, it's getting through all the weeks, days, and hours until then that seems unfathomable.
I watch my mom, and worry about her being alone. That is when my heart breaks all over again, to watch her alone. My parents were always together, they worked together, farmed together, and took on 7 kids together. It just seems unnatural for her to be alone.
I replay last Saturday over and over in my head. I wish that when my Dad called to say he was sick, and I was there at the shop with my mom that I would have gone with her although she told me to stay and keep the shop open for her. My gut was telling me he was more than heat sick this time. I talked her through CPR on the phone when she called me panicked not knowing what to do. I wish I would have been there to do it for her. Yet, I know in my heart regardless of what anyone would have done different he still wouldn't be here today, it would have just made me feel better.
I read my Bible at least every morning if not more through out the day, searching for words of comfort and peace. I found this scripture today that made me think of his life and how he lived it.
1 Timothy 4:5-6
5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.
6 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
My dad undoubtedly is still everywhere I go. Everywhere I look at the farm, I see memories of him. My favorite way to aggravate him, was to raid his fridge shortly after arriving for his Claussin Pickles. He kept regular off brand hamburger Dill pickles on hand for kids and other company. The Claussin Pickles were his and everyone knew it. I just disregarded the rule. I would eat them all or just leave him one, so the next time he went to make a sandwich he would think of me as he yelled about me eating all his pickles. I went out to babysit the 7 for him and my mom not to long ago, when I raided the fridge for the pickles, he came up and said, "You know the kids pickles are in the door?" I replied, "Oh'... Well, good thing I'm an adult now." He grinned and went on, as I continued to finish off his jar of pickles!
I drove his 15 passenger van for the first time yesterday. 3 packs of Marlboro Red box, an empty Diet Coke bottle, and a note pad with directions he wrote down to somewhere all sitting in the console. Oldies radio blaring, because he was so hard of hearing.Yet, you don't want to change anything you just want to leave it as he had it.
He is at my home too, we had a lot of family gatherings at my house. My favorite was Trenten's Birthday in January when he stole the action figure off his cake, that my dad and I had just argued over him letting Trenten stick his finger in to get icing off of. The next weekend when Trenten went to the farm it was hanging from the light over the dining room table. He lived to aggravate!
The Shop is another place he is everywhere. The last time I saw my Dad alive was standing in the kitchen where I bake and decorate cakes. The first person I wanted to show my magnetic car signs and business cards was him when they came in the mail yesterday. He would have thought they were pretty neat, and been glad I was finally doing something to seriously launch my cake business.
I guess you can say the last week, 7 days, or 168 hours have been the longest of my life. It has seemed unreal, and like a bad dream you just can't get yourself to wake up from. Writing helps, and staying in the word, along with lots of prayers from people who love us. Yet, we have to look ahead to how to get through the next week, the next 7 days, the next 168 hours with out him.
Until Next time,
Julie
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