My Boys

My Boys

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Long Road...

This week God has reminded me in several ways about how He always has his hand upon us, and how His Plan is the Perfect Plan. I have always struggled with this. I have learned thus far in my life that I like to control my life too much, and I miss out on many Blessings from above because I'm trying to control everything instead of letting go and letting God.

This week so much has happened in this area I could Blog about. I resigned from leading the Wednesday night Children's Program at church which was extremely difficult for me personally. My other responsibilities in life have become to demanding to continue on, yet I worried Who else would do it if not me. This Wednesday night out of the blue a girl who is 14 came and volunteered to help lead Games in our Department on Wednesday nights. My last Wednesday, and God delivered. For it was someone who I could not see coming, but God has an ultimate plan and will always provide.

The stories of how God nudged me this week could go on and on, but none were greater than this Thursday at a Doctor Appointment I had put off as long as I could knowing the verdict would not be what I wanted. Dr. Ehmer and I go way back. I came to him as a 19 year old girl who had suffered for 3 years with female problems. Another doctor wanted to take at least one ovary out. Dr. E as I call him fought to keep it, and give me the chance to become a Mother one day. I looked at him hurting and with tears in my eyes at 19 and said, "Can we just try anything so that I can have a child of my own one day... just one." So we did. No surgeries just medications, and a long painful 4 years later Miracle Baby #1 Blessed our lives. He came from the very ovary another doctor wanted to rid me of, the only ovary that I have that does anything from time to time.

Our family was complete. If God never allowed us another I had one handsome little man who I couldn't love anymore. Just as Dr. E suspected he helped rid me of large ovarian cysts that ruptured and caused extreme pain. We Thanked God for the One Baby every doctor before said would never be possible.

Then Surprise. A year later no fertility treatments, no planning at all Miracle Baby # 2 is conceived. This was really never supposed to happen, a pregnancy with out fertility drugs, so I never doubted the entire pregnancy that God was up to something big here. When he was born and landed in the NICU on a ventilator at 9 lbs. I never doubted that God would bring him through, he wasn't done with him yet. I am so Glad he wasn't because this one changed the whole dynamic of our little family from the day he came home.

I remember after my C-Section they let my mom back to talk to me in recovery because Adam was with Jonah on the way to NICU. My mom couldn't understand why I didn't let him tie my tubes while he was in there. I answered, "because Mom I just want to try one more time for a Girl." She replied, "Your crazy.. with everything you've been through and both deliveries have been rough why do that to yourself?" I said, "Stop and think of your life with out me for a second and then tell me its not worth it." She said no more ever again about my quest for a Third baby. Even though it has seemed crazy to plenty of people including my husband at times.

I thought Miracle # 3 was possible and on its way in June. Until the Lord had a different plan, and yes the control freak in me has definitely struggled with this. I can only say it is the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced to have no control or way to Stop a miscarriage. You just have to endure and then pick your self up and move on with a smile because people don't like to see you with out one. Regardless of what you feel like inside, regardless of weather you think in March I should have had a newborn to hold, and that's not going to happen now. It is definitely something only God can carry you through, nothing you can do on your own. Sadly it's not something you are over in a month either, I don't know when you really get over it because I'm not there yet. I do know that I found great peace in giving her a name, instead of referring to it as "the miscarriage" or "it". My gut tells me it would have been a girl, although it was to early to tell. Everything about the pregnancy was different from day 1 than the boys pregnancies... so that's my opinion. So we named her Adlie. Half Adam's name half my name. Pronounced "Adlee" if that helps. A name we considered for a girl, although Adam really wanted Abigail.

Four months have passed, and as far as my female organs go I am a mess. Trenten fixed me temporarily, Jonah gave me some issues here and there, but Adlie has reeked havoc on me to sum it up nicely. Dr. E believes the pain is endometriosis now, and has put me on 2 medications for this. He is giving the medications 6 weeks to make me feel like a new woman or surgery it is. It has been a long road leading to this point, one that he has held my hand for 10 years now through. I cried as we discussed the possibility of a hysterectomy because even though at this fork in the road I know that is best it is hard to have your female organs removed and KNOW you will never have another child. Yet there is peace here. I love that I have a Christian doctor who can say to me, we prayed for one miracle and God blessed you with two... what more could you ask for.

I have peace that there are many ways to be a mother. God has blessed our family with the witness of that through the 7 over the past 4 months also. Do I think it is by coincidence that all of that runs together. I do not. I have been reminded that there are lots of great kids who need someone to love them and teach them right here in our community. So if I have a hysterectomy does that mean I will never have a 3rd... I don't believe so. This is where I find my peace. In that the Lord has a perfect plan not only for me, but for my family, and although it is unknown I need not worry for it is in the Masters Hands!

Our Journey together has Only Just Begun...

They have been worth every moment along the Long Road!

Until Next Time,

Monday, October 18, 2010

Just a Voice...

I am just a Voice of someone I used to know
Hushed silent...
although at times feeling like I'm screaming
at the top of my lungs in my own little sound proof box.
No matter how hard I try to beat the walls of my box down away from me
to free myself from my tourment they stand firmly in place
Like a solid rock unable to be moved.

No one can hear me.
I say the same things over and over but none in my world acknowledge them.
Who am I?
Just a whisper drifting through their lives in the wind.

Is it selfish to even want to be heard? My life is not my own...
The pain of the uncomfortable silence cuts deep
Wounds fester, bleed deep beneath the surface...
Yet, we throw a band-aid over them and say, "that's done."
My wounds are gapping open, my sores are fresh...
Yet the one who should be my nurse throws salt in my wounds...

Maybe I should surcume and give up the fight.
Maybe the life of a deaf, dumb, blind, mute should be the life for me.
Why do I bother!!!
Maybe this is the dumbest thing I've ever wrote, for sure the ugliest...
Maybe it just had to be done!
Maybe its late and I should just go to bed....

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Accumulation...

Accumulation \Ac*cu`mu*la"tion\, n. [L. accumulatio; cf. F. accumulation.]

1. The act of accumulating, the state of being accumulated, or that which is accumulated; as, an accumulation of earth, of sand, of evils, of wealth, of honors. [1913 Webster]

2. (Law) The concurrence of several titles to the same proof. [1913 Webster]

Accumulation of energy or power, the storing of energy by means of weights lifted or masses put in motion; electricity stored.

The trials and tribulations that Adam and I have entered with in the last couple of months are what we call "The Accumulation". It has been a stage of being accumulated that's for sure. There has been a lot of energy and power and masses put into motion during this process. There has definitely been a lot of electricity stored.

The issues haven't been anything new. Either issues swept under the rug and ignored until they couldn't be anymore. The majority simply the inevitable catching us completely unprepared. Events in life hitting all at once, and nothing you can do to stop them or control them. For me, the control freak a breaking point. Circumstances out of my control do not mix well with the need to fix everything.

First went Adam's car, then the water heater, then my truck had to have 2 new tires because something sliced mine apart. It's life events at the worst time. The no money no savings time. The weight of these burdens pushes down on the adults in the household. The bickering begins. The saying things you can't take back, and after a while of this beating each other down routine you look at each other and say these dreaded words. "What are we doing here? Is there anything worth saving?" While 2 little boys look at you with eyes begging that you do.

Then comes the Bottom. Rock bottom that is. For some the fall is further than it is for others to reach but the destination is the same. The state of emotions, thoughts, anger, bitterness, and frustration that come with this place are unbelievable. You will never know until you have been there. What you learn in life here is significant, and I hope and pray what we take away is even greater. It's not like Adam and I were Millionaires who lost everything, we have never lived far off the bottom to tell you the truth.

When we were first married we lived off Adam's $6.00 an hour job, while I attempted Nursing School and worked when I could on weekends which wasn't often. This started the accumulation long ago. I failed, and we went on Adam changed careers and so did I. We've brought 2 beautiful boys into the world, and have lived pay check to pay check with none left over the entire time. No room for the unexpected's in life, and sitting back watching and saying eventually this is going to get us. Eventually something is going to break and cost us big and we will be in a hole with no way out.

That day has come. The juggling act with the bills since disaster struck can be done no more. The hole has been dug, and now we must do what we need to do to get out of it. This is where it really gets hard. This is where the Marriage was really tested, and Satan was alive and well. I'm having to do thing I don't necessarily WANT to do. So is Adam. I dug my heels in and refused in the beginning, and even said "if that's my options you go your way and I'll go mine." but God got a hold of me. I was reminded that Jesus didn't want to carry the cross and die on it. He pleaded with his Father any other way Father than this? BUT when he knew it was the only way he did it, and he did it not for himself but for us.

So, we are moving this week to a house off of East Dewey. We live off of West Dewey now so I am calling it the Journey of how far the East truly is from the West, you know like the song. This will help in repairing our financial situation, and get our financial plan in place that we are unable to do here. Basically we are going to act our wage! Which isn't much. The prize is getting me through school in two years, and that will be our focus where we are going. So that once I am finished we may have a somewhat normal stable flow in life that we have never been able to have.

We hope to begin moving Tuesday, and covenant your prayers as this will be difficult. I am in the Middle of 4 Classes this semester, 2 are Internet and so it will be chaotic moving let alone trying to keep my classes from getting behind in the process. Pray for the adjustment as a family. Trent has lived here since he was a year old. He doesn't remember any where else. Jonah was brought home from the hospital here. Trent is not very excited about moving so far, but I know they will probably adjust easier than Adam and I. Pray for our Marriage if you are willing. We are so grateful for all who have rallied around us during this difficult time. After this weekend we have the Hope for the first time in a while that our Marriage is not going to be the payment for our mess ups. We have to pull through this together. Yet any married couple knows this is easier said then done at times.

I want to leave you with this, a little something I learned this weekend for if your Marriage is struggling or you are having Financial difficulties as well:
"Bad is Bad but it can be the beginning of something Great!"

Until Next Time,