What has God called us to do? For each of us it may be different. For each of us it is something we have to hear from God ourselves on, no one else can discover our "Call" for us. I have struggled, and ultimately faught with God over this for years now. I know with all my heart what God has called me to do. I've known it for years now, but have refussed to let go of control of everything to allow him to make following my Call to the fullest possible. I have stood in God's way.
Now, have I known that I was standing in God's way the entire time? No, I've blamed others and my circumstances for keeping me from following my Call to the fullest. For that, I think of all the wasted years I've spent... that I could have been doing what I knew I should have.
So what is my "Call"? I know that God has called me to stay at home with our two precious little ones for some time now. I have literally never been at peace with me working while they are this little. I do not believe that all Mother's are "Called" to stay home with their children. I have so much respect for the Women who work full time, have a family, and so many other responsibilities. It is not an easy row to hoe! I also have respect for Mother's who heard and felt God's call for their family, and have made the sacrifice of two incomes to follow their hearts.
I might have shared this before, and if I have I'm sorry you're going to hear it again. I knew from the age of five that I was called to be a mother. I never doubted doctor after doctor who said, "children are probably just not possible for you" from the age of sixteen that I would still one day be a mother. I remember leaving a doctors office at seventeen with my Grandmother (because my parents still lived in California, I was already in Texas for College)where a specialist had done a sonogram and surveyed the damage of my female organs. The Specialist said, "You'll never have a baby of your own". My grandmother was nearly distrought. She asked me as we left Why I wasn't upset? I simply replied, "That doctor must not know the God I know.." Simple as that!
When I held my first son in my arms, it was the most amzing feeling! I'm sure all mother's have that first moment story, but it was if I could feel God's presence and him telling me this is your job now! Yet, because of lack of faith that financially we would make it I continued working. Working for my parents wasn't a bad gig for having a newborn. I got to bring him with me until he was almost a year. Then, he started getting into things and so I had to make other arrangments.
I was misserable being away from Trent, unsure of what he was doing through out the day. Feeling like it was my place to be with him, to teach him, to comfort him, to provide for all his needs... and yet I was in an office! Not to long after this decision impossible and unplanned baby number 2 arrived. Jonah was like God's way of hammering home to me that I wasn't doing what he had called me to do. Jonah also went to work with me for a short while, then other arrangments. This time I was only working 2-3 days a week though, and so I didn't feel as guilty. They were getting more of me, than they had in the past.
Then came the decision to work at Tool Elementary Full time. Along with College Full time, and other parts of life. My Children soon were getting less of me than anyone I knew. God began to beat away on me how out of wack my priorities had became, and who was ultimately paying the price for it. I began to seek God on what I should do? I knew the answer soon after with out a doubt, and strangely so did Adam. He came home the same day I did and said, "You need to quit your job, and stay home next year with the boys." This coming from someone who had never understood or agreed with why I would want to do this in the first place. It was monumental! We still didn't know how? How would God work all this out financially?
We continued to pray, and God continued to work. Adam and I thought we knew exactly how it was all going to work out... and then came the curve balls! A very wise person told me Sunday night, that a good sign you're doing what God wants is when Satan starts to attack. Well, Satan's been visiting here for about a month. Causing me to renig on our plans, and say, "its just not going to work out." I have an absolute fear that if I make the decision to stay home next year that my family might starve! Oh' ye of little faith is right!
I have not experienced peace in a month since I reniged and decided I would have to return to work. I still fear the what ifs? I still have moments where I lack the faith that this is what I need to do. After Sunday nights sermon, and God dealing with me... I'm still a little scared but I know that I have to step out and follow the Call! This is now my prayer:
O Lord hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord.
My spirit fails
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
TEACH ME TO DO YOUR WILL,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your name sake, O Lord, perserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies:
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Please pray with me that God will continue to move mountains to open doors for our family. I have watched him move all around me, and am ready for him to move through me.
Until Next Time,