My last post was in May. Not from lack of time, although it has been a busy Summer. More so, because I have so much in my mind and heart good and bad that I didn't know how much I should let out. So following my own advice from my last post, I found it best to not say anything at the time. It has been an eventful nearly three months to say the least. I'm not sure really where to even start talking about this Journey I have been on both inward and outward.
It has been a Summer filled with emotion. Some I still have not been able to work all the way through which is okay. God is with me and I am so grateful for that. I have really been hung up for some time now on "THE CALL" in my life. Some of you may have read an early post by me where I discussed the long time desire to stay home with my two little boys and where my "Call" fits into all of that.
I wish that I was writing you today saying ladies I have found all the answers, but I haven't. If anything I feel today that "my calling" is not one specific thing, but an area that is wide and has many needs and ways to serve. Now, I have to sort through this with God and figure out where and how I belong. I know the Journey on this is long from over.
In June, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought God was lining everything up and in order. I could see where and how things were going. I have always had the strong desire to stay home with my children, yet the reality of that has always been unrealistic due to the need for health insurance for our family, and many other factors that I could list on and on. I learned today in a sermon based out of Luke 9 that I'm a lot like the people who say Jesus I want to follow you, BUT first let me tend to this or that. Jesus says, no if you want to follow me take up your cross daily and come on right now. Not do all these other things first.
I bet you think you know where I'm going with this but I bet your wrong. I have listened to sermon after sermon over the summer about following "the call" and how its supposed to be clear to you what that is, doors are supposed to open to make it possible. Then this pastor today says, when you hold the plow and look back and around at everything else that's going on trying to control things in your life you are of no use to God. I'm like you just hit me on the head, thank you so much!
I have the strong desire to be with MY kids, to stay home with MY kids, but over the summer I have been reminded of 2 important lessons. They are not MY kids, they were God's first and he blessed me with them for the time being and its borrowed time. Secondly, there are so many other kids needing a Godly witness, to hear about Jesus, and just be loved by me and what better example to set for my children than its not all about me or them, but about others.
A lot has happened over the Summer so far to open my eyes to this. See, a year and a half ago I was working for my dad making decent money and able to take my kids to work with me. It was great, BUT I felt God dealing with my heart that I had forsaken the Call on my life to work with children. I began to pray for forgiveness first, then for the opportunity for where God wanted me with this. The next Sunday at church they announced they needed help in the Children's Department because one of their workers was due to have a baby any time. I continued to pray, saying God I was thinking more like youth age... but he wouldn't let it go. So, I went to the Children's Minister Allison secretly hoping the spot would have already been filled by another volunteer. Try not to laugh to hard! I've been there ever since, but I have loved every minute of it. Even getting pies thrown in my face!
A few months in to working in the Wednesday night Children's program at church God kept dealing with me that I wasn't where he wanted me. I kept praying for him to reveal to me where it was he wanted me, and God spoke to me in a dream. Don't get freaked out or anything he does it all the time! The dream was Kacey Holt coming up to me during our Wednesday night routine and telling me they were hiring for a position at the school in Malakoff. The next day was Wednesday. So, that night I waited all through our program for Kasey to come up and say something to me and she didn't. So, I called her aside and told her about my dream and asked her if she knew of anything along those lines. Kasey said no, but she would keep it in mind. The next morning she called and said while she was making copies she saw a job posting for a job at the Middle School in the office.
So, I applied, needless to say I didn't get that job.. but I was in the top 3 they told me. I was disappointed, but somehow(Beverly) my application was sent to the Tool Campus when a job came open over there. Long story short they hired me for a very difficult but rewarding job of working one on one with violent students for the past year. Needless to say I learned a lot! I really felt like God used me through out the year also.
Then comes Summer, it had been a crazy school year and all I wanted was my boys. I have thoroughly enjoyed my one on one time with them. Through all my prayers for God to open doors for me to stay home next year, none have been opened. In June I found out that I was pregnant with our third child. I took that as God sealing the deal on me needing to stay home for several reasons. I didn't know how everything was going to pan out exactly but I've had complicated pregnancies in the past and Adam and I both felt it was a bad idea to return to work being as how I had done bed rest in the past and so on. If I hadn't worked for my dad during my pregnancies I probably wouldn't have had a job. Then, the daycare expenses, diaper expenses, it would just be cheaper to stay home at this point! Then on June 29th I had a miscarriage. God has been good, he has given us peace, support, and love beyond measure. Through this Journey I wondered what God was wanting from me, and when I would know. God has already used this experience in my life to help another woman going through the same, the other answers you search for in a situation like this you may never know.
In the middle of all of this my parents became Foster Parents to 7 of the most precious children I have ever known. It has long been a desire of my heart to Foster Parent myself and Adam and I were actually going through the process before finding out about the pregnancy. Then, we weren't sure due to lack of space in our home weather we should continue the process because we weren't sure they would give us any Foster Children now. Now, we are in the process of becoming the Respite Care for my parents and excited about how God is going to use us and what he is going to teach not only us but our entire family through the experience.
Then I took the kids from church to camp for a week in July. A lot came out of that week but the biggest for me was the reminder through those kids how I might be right where I need to be. It might be my selfish desires for what I want to do to do anything differently, but really God needs me to stay right where I am. A year ago this girl was jumping for joy that she landed a job where she might get beat up everyday because it was the opportunity to work with kids and where she felt God wanted her. Maybe I need to find that girl again.
That is where I am at today, and my thoughts today. It's a Journey though, and I am anxious to see what God is doing, but it is on his timing not mine. My prayer is to not be holding the plow paying attention to everything else but what God is doing with me. I want to grab on and ride like the wind bulls eye straight ahead, focused and clear! It's a Journey though...
Until Next Time,